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Friday, 24 July 2009

"Dance me to the children who are asking to be born"

Could it be that my children have not yet asked to be born? If so, would you please be kind enough and give them a nudge?
[I "wonder" why that line stuck with me while sitting sulking in the doctors waiting room with the radio on in the background...]

And it's not the doctor, he is really great, a very nice man (and added bonus that it is a six minute walk). He asked me if I needed two Beta referrals, I mumbled that one will do, but he still gave me two and told me not to lose hope.. As it is good for 90 days, I will use second one for next cycle..

Well, the rule is that to see him in the morning, one doesn't need to make an appointment (for afternoon session you do). And since I hate picking up the phone and making appointments, I always go to him in the morning. I have never seen the receptionist when I come in the mornings. Until today, that is.
Oh, and let me give you rule number two for how things work here - if a doctor (or any other body/institution/etc) has receiving hours of 8:00-10:00, it means that one can come until 10:00. It doesn't mean that you have to see the dr. (or what/whoever) till 10:00! See the difference? I guess in other parts of the world where things are more organized, 10:00 is 10:00..
So, I'm there at 9:50, kind of surprised to see a receptionist who tells me I can't see him as he only works till ten (there were two people in front of me). Which of course got me annoyed. What do you mean?? So she asks if it's urgent. Yes, I say, it is urgent, which she then doubted. She continued with investigating what I was there for. Told her I needed a referral. And again she is - that's not urgent, come Sunday. And remember, it was still his receiving hours!
she - a referral for what?
me - tests
she - what tests?
Like I'm going to tell her what tests I need, really none of her business. Plus everyone in the waiting room could hear the conversation and I don't think I want to share my TTC efforts with the world. But the main reason is that I know she would then tell me how it is so not urgent. She was going on and on that if I need a referral, how I can come in on Sunday morning and then go to the lab and do the test. No, not really. For starts, I wasn't 100% sure he would give me a referral (though I was quite certain). And if he doesn't, it will already be too late to go to the IVF place and have it done there. Plus with his hours and the lab's hours, it is a tight squeeze.
Stupid receptionist (who did receive people after me with no problem, because they had a legit reason. argh!). And you want to know the absurd? I was really no more than two minutes inside, I mean how long can printing out a referral take!?

EDT (Sat night): Thank you for wishing me good luck with the Beta, but please don't. As I wrote in previous post, I got a big fat negative. Though I was wishing and hoping maybe perhaps there is a faded second line, and I did look at it about a hundred times during the weekend, I can tell you that no, there is nothing there (not even an evaporation line..). A line is a line, and a negative is a negative. [and one would think that getting negative outcomes (whether by peeing or Betas or just getting a period) would become easier and not harder. hmmphh]
I am doing the Beta test tomorrow out of pure protocol (dr. asked me to do one whatever happens). And yes, I am probably hoping for some kind of miracle, but I know me. I know that I am not feeling it (not talking here about symptoms, but about an inner feeling), just emptiness, therefore it is a not. I do believe in my inner knowledge, and know that when it will be, I will feel it, know it.


battynurse said...

People like that (who feel the need to exercise their power over those they see as weaker) drive me nuts.
I hope your children soon ask to be born.

gwinne said...

Best wishes on a positive outcome!

(My word verifiction is "tense." Seriously. Did my doctor have anything to do with it? tee hee)

Wishing 4 One said...

I am hoping the beta is what we all want to see. What a mean, cruel woman, did you mention it to the doctor? You should have....

BB said...

Good luck to you! As if the whole IF process isn't hard enough... it sucks to have to deal with such people, specially at the doctors office! Thanks for your comments and good wishes on my blogs!

tomi said...

If it isn't doctors that are annoying, it is their receptionists - same all over the world.


Kate said...

Oddly that line of that song struck me too,ever since the first time I heard it--
and as soon as I saw it as your post title it struck me extra since my life is in such a different place now, this place of mid-babymaking struggle-- I wonder also.

I have had some weird run-ins with baby spirits- which sounds insane I know, but even my agnostic engineer self needs to say I truly have. It is true even if it is awkward.
So anyway, maybe the answer is yes. I asked during a meditation and surprisingly got an answer. Although it is not a steady connection, it brought me big hope.

your Doc office experience made me tense and I am not even you and it is long over by now-- but good lord. When asked you can always say HIPPA -- that just sucks to be on display like that and judged in some way. Next time you see your doc, can you ask if you can do referrals like this by phone?

and about not losing hope, what a sweet thing for him to say-- gosh it is hard to not lose track of it from time to time, but it is so important to let yourself feel it when it is close.

thinking of you and wishing things were different for you this cycle. I hope soon.


K said...

I hate the inner struggle that occurs when you know your body enough to know this isn't it but you've still got a little Hope lingering. If only it were black and white...

Kerri said...

Um, that receiving time thing is a little ridiculous- and confusing! I would've been frustrated too. And I know what you mean about not wanting "good luck" wishes after getting a negative HPT. I used to be the same way. People would say that it wasn't over until AF arrived or whatever, but you still know and it's easier just to accept it and move on sometimes. Thinking of you!