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Thursday, 30 July 2009

A license to parent

Well if there was such a thing, it probably would have been something like the home study adopting parents have to go through, and thank god I do not have to do such a thing because I would have never got that license.

But.. A story of a 3 year old boy who weighed only 7 kg (15.5 lb, skin and bones), his mother, who probably has Munchhausen by proxy syndrome, starved him (and took out his feeding tube while in the hospital, etc). This just begins to cool and become old news when on Saturday morning a father chokes his three year old daughter to death, and then (or before, not sure) dresses her so she would look pretty as an angle. And this little two year old whose father drowned her in the bath tub (this happened about 6 years ago), hid her body in the woods and joined the search force looking for her. And last year a really sad story of a little girl (aged four) who no one loved or wanted after the mother remarried the girl's grandfather (the father's father) and had two more kids with him. Living on a suitcase between countries and houses, she was found in a suitcase at the bottom of a river. Grandfather claims he "just" slapped her a bit too hard (they [grandfather and mother] are currently on trial). And a four year old whose mother drowned him in the sea. And and and.

They said (on a panel on T.V) there were 26 cases of children, mostly under the age of four, who were murdered by their parents in the last six years (I think they went back 6 years, because of the case where the father murdered and then "helped" search his daughter. Three days and thousands of volunteers and a whole country concerned). Anyway they had a psychiatrist who explained that these moments of whatever is not unique to those monsters above, but that most people know to overcome such moments. And what if I have such a moment and do not overcome it?? How can I guarantee that I will not turn into one of these monsters, that my child I have worked so hard to have, doesn't end up as another number in the statistics of those killed by the very person who is supposed to love and protect them?

Because I am all focus on having this child, all aiming towards achieving this goal, but what about the then? Right now I am not really looking at all the difficulties of raising a child and of raising a child as a single parent, all I could think about right now is pregnancy, and to be more specific, currently I want to feel the soreness in my boobs (not even thinking of feeling the baby kicking etc). Yes, I want a baby, a child, someone to take care and to love and all. But right now my focus is on getting pregnant, ignoring what comes after. Kind of like how deep down I expected this IVF cycle to work, logically knowing it could very much not, and how I was crashed when it didn't.

I used to help my sister a lot with her (now 13 years old) baby. I used to go with him to the window (a third floor flat) to look out, and then immediately turn away, frightened I might have an impulse to throw him. Therapist explained how that feeling is something natural, common to mothers, but it still scares me*.

*o.k will admit that I also have this fear when crossing a bridge that I will have a crazy impulse and jump (and sometimes, but less frequent, fear that people passing will push me over). If I have to cross a bridge, I always walk right in the middle and look down (at my feet that is, not down down..).


battynurse said...

It always breaks my heart to hear about all the children who are harmed by their parents. The ones they love so unconditionally but who betray that love. So sad. And you see some of the really awful stuff world wide I'm sure. I too have wondered what makes one person lose their cool and another manage not to. I've worried about how I would deal with various situations that may happen. I believe though that if I need it I will have the strength to ask for help.

Navigating The Rapids said...

I can so relate to the bridge thing. Weird, okay I'm not crazy. I think with Lu I'm scared all the time something will happen to her. I get up at night to check on her even if she doesn't make a sound. My mom was abusive and in the back of my mind I think if I ever feel I am at the edge off to therapy because I'm determined to be different. When she's going nuts I put her in the crib and take 5 minutes to pull myself together. You will be fine.

Indigo said...

Having gone through infertility I know what you are saying and trust me my one and only focus during those years was to GET PREGNANT! Now that my kid is 8, I can say that it's easy to lose your cool with a kid, however the love that you feel for you child makes you keep it. I've never been more patient in my whole life.

I also have this fear while crossing bridges that I'll one day get the urge to jump. It's so odd, and the thought that I have those thoughts (did you follow that?) is so surreal.

Indigo said...

my link was wrong, you'd think I'd learn how to spell ;-)

KitchenCathi said...

I have luckily only had a handful of moments where I had to step back and tell myself to calm down, mostly when DD was very young and I was very sleep-deprived. There are definitely certain times (ahem, monthly) when I'm more moody and don't have a lot of patience and really have to focus on not letting little things become big things, or overreact. My dad was an overreactor, and I vowed I would never be - it makes me sick to my stomach to think of hurting any child, let alone DD. But I've definitely seen some dark moments where I have an inkling of what would drive someone less in control to do something, and it's terrifying.
I think all we can do is our best, all the time, which is the scariest thing about parenting - that huge responsibility. It's a lot of work. I think when people give up, that's when bad stuff happens.