A Meme

Was tagged a while back by Heavy heart. Did mean to do tag, but here and there, so now on to the tag in which I'm supposed to share 7 weird facts about myself

Well, besides my computer which I am hooked to, I kind of don't really live in the 21st century. Partly because as always I do things late (hmm, very late) but mostly because I'm an ideologue person. So my seven weirdnesses:

1. I do not own a cell phone. Yes, sure there are times when having a cell phone could have helped. Times of emergency in which there don't seem to be any public call boxes. But I don't want a cell phone. I don't want to be enslaved by it. People are always telling me that I can always turn it off, but it is not the same, and well since most people do have cell phones, in times of emergency... *
2. I don't have a T.V set. I did have one up until about half a year ago when I started clearing my place and happily gave it to my mum (who now has an extra T.V in her kitchen). I don't watch a lot of T.V and want that at least the first couple of years of my child's life will not be spent gazing at a screen.
3. O.K, now we are coming to a point where I'm hopefully just not there yet, late as usual but that it will change. Hmm... I don't have a driving licence. Before enlisting I had quite a few tests (failed, of course. and can contradict refute the common belief myth of a free seventh test..). Since then I didn't really have time or (mainly) the money to learn. I am saving up for it, since even if I don't have a car, I think it's important to do.
4. I don't own a credit card. Any. Like to have the feel of the money, to know exactly how much I spend. Yes, it has it's down side in a 21st century world like not being able to order things from the web or in general, but I'm O.K with that.
5. Another just late point ( i.e really no ideology behind this one :-D). I have never had a massage or acupuncture or shiatsu etc. Don't know, I do want to but never go round to. And I think the more I never did these things the more scared I get. Sister #5 has invited me for a massage (yet to be done) and I bombed her with questions - do I lie naked or just with undies etc. (yes, I'm very shy of my body).
6. I'm claustrophobic, afraid of heights and many other things. I'm not extreme and can go up lifts, but prefer not to. My rule of thumb is that up to the 3rd floor I use the stairs, above that I may use a lift. Monday is a day where I have to go up a third floor, followed later by a sixth floor with a very small and old lift - not for me! So Monday is my day of exercise :-D.
7. The way I want to raise my child. Don't know how much I will be able to etc, but would love to have a home birth (I don't think I will be able to do that. Kind of frustrating as sister #6 who got the notion from me is and will while I won't) and to home educate, etc.

tagging: MeAndBaby ; Joni ; Leaping Hurdles ; princessoftides ;
Queen Yogi ; Miss X

As always am late (ooo, very very late), so will leave them a note about being tagged later on..

* I do have a phone at home (I'm not that far behind.. in case not clear, talking about when not home)

Scrapbook

Mother came back from England with my logic magazine [as always :-). Sister #1 gets cheese puffs; my dad some ham or bacon or something like that (though not if my mum is doing the travelling, she won't have those unkosher things anywhere near her), and packets & packets of Kit-Kat for all (less nowadays since you can {occasionally..} get Kit-Kat here, and well, since we're not little kids anymore), and I get my logic magazine] and the scrapbook I asked her to get me.
I asked for it in those few days when I thought that yes, I am. I'm not yet doing any buying or anything for baby. Way too early for that. I mean I do have my eyes set on the clothes switching going on between sister#3 (who has a 3.5 year old boy and who gave birth recently to a baby girl) and sister #6 who has a 1.5 little girl and is expecting a son. I really couldn't care the least if the clothes are boys' or girls', just happy to know they exist.. But beyond having my eyes set, well as I said - too early. Anyway when I thought I was I asked my mother to buy me a scrapbook. I don't want the regular baby albums and would rather create my own baby book. Except.. was kind of disappointed with it. The book itself seems to be too big (in fact, it's huge) but not so thick, and the pages don't seem as rough as I remembered, oh and the cover.. (O.K I'm sure sister #5 will be able to take care of that!). But maybe, well, I'm sad to have to put it aside for god knows how long?

IComLeavWe

Oh, so embarassing! I was so looking forward for the IComLeavWe! Leaving 6 comments a day (or at least aspiring to), visiting "new" blogs and all.
If there is an iron commenter for one who leaves comments on all the blogs on the list, there should also be a kaka commenter for someone who leaves none, zero, nil, cipher (thank-you thesaurus) comments.
Yes, it wasn't really out of choice, just a very bad timing. I was out of internet the whole week. Managed to publish last post at my sister #3's house (and was kind of kicked out by her husband [she was away]) and another day managed to sneak a peak at sister #1's computer (with her I dared not go into blogs. More so her 20 yrs old daughter was sitting too close..), but that's all. Later I thought I should have mailed Mel to ask her to take me off the list (but clever me thought of that only after I left).
Think next month I won't go on the list, and just try to participate..

Oh, and while I'm writing..
Last few years I kind of hate Hanukka. Such a kids holiday with all the songs and the lighting of the candles and the food [you know Jewish holidays can be summarized as: we fought; we won; we ATE..]. Such a joyful holiday and such gloomy when it's not your kid lighting the Hanukiya etc. Well this year I participated in two nights of candle lighting (oh, when I am a mother I/we will be lighting candles all eight days!). First was at my sister's (#1, if you must) which was real fun (I don't think I enjoyed Hanukka as much as I did for quite some time.. oh, and just one kiddo [not counting the baby and the two young adults]). Second was with the SMC group, where I was the only one there trying (and was asked again and again which one is mine..) so did have some regrets for coming, but nevertheless did have a great time!
So I am now rethinking Hanukka. It is a great holiday! And I just can't wait (next year, perhaps?) to celebrate it with my own kid!

The Bare Necessities

The Bare Necessities / Phil Harris, Bruce Reitherman

Look for the bare necessites

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

Old Mother Nature's recipes

That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wonder, wherever I roam

I couldn't be fonder of my big home

The bees are buzzin' in the tree

To make some honey just for me

When you look under the rocks and plants

And take a glance at the fancy ants

Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife

I mean the bare necessities

That's why a bear can rest in ease

With just the bare necessities of life

Now when pick a pawpaw

Or a prickly pear

And you pick a raw paw

Next time beware

Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw

When you pick a pear

Try to use the claw

But you don't need to use the claw

When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw

Have I given you a clue?

The bare necessities of life will come to you

They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it

Fall apart in my backyard

'Cause let me tell you something little britches

If you act like that bee acts, uh uh

You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around

For something you want that can't be found

When you find out you can live without it

I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you

I asked sis to draw me a warm and motherly bear (prefferably broen) with a colourful butterfly on it. Kind of imagined bear to be standing, but oh well (LOL)...

So this is the new me. An image that will be O.K with me both trying and then (hopefully) when a mother.

I will now be going ungoogleable since I would really rather this blog not be found by my family.

P.S

no interne, writing on my brother in laws computer (have very limited time since he soon needs it). and really don't understand why the line spacing goes all funny.

blue 2

Blues.. Naming last post "blue" I really forgot about that other meaning of blue, but now I am definitely blue. There is this post I wrote this morning on the way to the clinic, and there's a TTC update.

Before I go on, I just want to clarify - I am a collector of information and do like to help whenever I can. That has nothing to do with being blue in the forum. It is just that now I have to be more aware of what and how I say.

I'll start with the intended post:
Things between me and my mother are not good right now. They have never been best, but now are bad times. She is a mother, over 45 years ago she decided to marry and start her family, have kids, and that somehow is a job title that never ends. Not that she was the best of mums growing up. Growing up my father was really mean to me, he was a rotten father, so I used to go to her for protection. Going to her, being in her shade, led my father to believe that I was my mother's little girl. So not.
She is a mother by title only. She will do things because as a mother she needs to, but it is so not from the heart [the funny thing is seeing how she helps sister #6 with her daughter, she really goes out of the way to help her, something she didn't do with any previous grandkids].
And now, all the time fighting me. All the time worried about her space, her her her, not about me and how she can be more motherly to me. She portrays me as this evil thing that she has to fight all the time. And the funny thing is that if she would cease to go head to head with me, if she would pick up her head and see me for once, she would see that our goals aren't that different, and that helping me, being a mother to me, would also benefit her.
But she can't see me, she so can't see me. And I try and try and try. Shrink says I keep trying because I haven't yet given up hope. I should, because the pain each time..

As regards TTC - seems I have a cyst, and have to sit out this month. Last thing I want to do. I so can't just sit out and wait and wait and wait. Another wasted month of not doing anything.
Oh, and my diagnosed moved from "single" to "unexplained". Actually last month they wrote unexplained on my chart, but then I thought it was amusing. Now it's errrrrrrrrr.
And dr. said that if this try won't work out, I should proceed to IVF. Kind of knew that since the usual protocol here is doing three medicated cycles before moving on to IVF.

Blue

There is this Israeli SMC forum in which I surf. This forum is quite big and contains all - from those who are thinking of becoming single mothers by choice, to those who are trying, to those who are already mothers.
From this big forum, branched out a smaller forum for those who are not yet there. Personally, if I have a question or want to share something or whatever, I usually prefer doing it in the big forum because the women there are much more knowledgeable, have more experience and there are more people there, but people said that sometimes they felt that the big forum is much more focused on the mothers and they feel out of place (I will admit that lately I breeze through this forum, and skip all the mothers-children stuff, I just look for discussions about inseminations; hormones; etc. [and I am usually a perfectionist who has to read all!]), so this little forum was opened. This, by the way, occurred before my time.
The manager of the forum is one of the managers of the big forum, but she can appoint others to help with management, because obviously she is long beyond it. The people who manage are blue (most others are plain black. There are also people in red which is just to honour, comes with no powers).
Anyway for some time now we didn't really have a manager since both the appointed ones don't surf anymore (one delivered a few weeks ago, the other should any day now, and they really don't have time). It's not such a big deal, but it's nice to have someone who can pin messages or delete or whatever.
More than a month ago they asked who volunteers to take over, I raised my hand but didn't hear anymore from them.
Last week I became blue there, together with this other wonderful person (I am really happy to be managing with her!)

And this was all a background..
I just wanted to write a post about how now I feel I have to be more careful with what I say. It's not that I think that before I was careless or thoughtless or unkind or the sort. But now that I am blue, I know that people (mainly newcomers who don't know me from before) look more at what I say. Now I have a responsibility. It was nice to see though, when I asked for their birthdays (so to be able to congratulate on the day), how they all followed suit - they wrote in the exact same format that I used (I wrote a full date [including the year] plus my nickname [which is slightly different from what is written, long story..]). And yes, I could have done that before, but you know, being blue..
Oh, and it was funny to see what the "top manager" let us do and what she didn't. She shut the option of playing around with the design - we can't change the picture or the colour scheme etc. [not that I was even thinking], but let open the option of turning a surfer red. Just made me laugh..

scattered

First thank you all for your support. This is such an amazing community!

As I already mentioned, when I went to have the blood tests done for the new bank, I was asked if I'm pregnant, started saying that I don't know and had the nurse register it as a "no". Oops, silly me forgot that some tests (like rubella) they only do on pregnant women. Last time the nurse said something about it, so I mentioned that I was trying to conceive. Forgot about it this time. Which means they (probably) didn't test me for rubella, which means I have to go again. Annoying if you think that it's not as if I myself can ask to have a blood test done, but it has to come with a doctor's note, so trust me that if my doctor asked for this test, then it is requested.

I could see the doctor at the clinic only on Wednesday which will probably be first day of stims. Luckily I still have some drugs left (I have no idea, but my guess is that we'll continue with the same protocol).

Tomorrow I hope to buy vials of my new sperm. I have most of the tests they wanted (actually, back then they wanted me to buy, so it should be O.K). Unfortunately I can't find my I.D card (to prove I'm single, but I hope that won't be a problem). I do hope donor is still available. Oh, and they only allow buying two vials at a time..

And love. Last week, when I thought I was carrying my child, I felt love for this thing growing inside me. And it amazed me. I couldn't feel it, see it or anything, just knowing it is there and my heart was already loving it. And I couldn't but think how when I'll see it in the u/s and then (or before? what comes first?) feel it moving/kicking and when it's born etc etc, how this love can only grow and grow.
Thinking about "regular couples", couples who decide it's time to have a baby and just stop taking pills or using condoms or whatever, still in the when it will happen it will happen. They too might have chemical pregnancies, but they wouldn't know about it. For them it's only a period coming late. But then again, they wouldn't have the privilege of loving your child from almost the absolute beginning..

No, not this time.

The temps. such a tale tellers.
On Thurs morning it was low, but I was hoping it was a fluke. Then the next night I couldn't sleep, just tossed and turned, so I couldn't really check my temp, but whenever I shoved the thermometer into my mouth (yes, I can become quite obsessive about it..), the numbers seemed to be low. The plan was to wait till morning (or should I say - sleep), wake up, see a nice high temp, do a HPT and see two dark lines. Well, at some point I decided that if I can't do the temp, at least I can do a HPT. I did, and the second line (if indeed there was a second line) came out much fainter. That is not the direction I was hoping for, but I persuaded myself that it's only because it's a different brand.
And last night I began having these cramps. The "weird" thing all along was not having any symptoms at all. I did have mild period pains at first, but then even that stopped. And then last night. On one hand I was hoping that maybe, on the other hand...

Well this morning I woke up to another low temp. And then I got my period. So I guess it was a chemical pregnancy, but as they say - at least now I know that my body can become pregnant. And I do have a new bank, with a donor I am pleased with (hope he is still available..).
Oh, and the pain, yes, that is a bitch! Maybe I was lucky all these years, but wow, these cramps are something..

And I wonder if I should go in tomorrow morning for a beta. Since I got my period, I really don't see it necessary. I would really rather not wake up so early etc etc if I don't have to go, and just make an appointment for a Dr.

(sorry, can't think of a title)

Thank you all!!
Can't believe that a soul up there decided to come down and be my kid..

Tested again this morning (after holding my pee all night - I usually go to the loo in the middle of the night) and got another faint line. Went to have my beta taken and waited anxiously by the phone. Of course when the clinic phoned I didn't answer and just let the machine take the message. She said I was probably pregnant (thank you very much..) and that my beta is a bit low (25, kind of thought it would be on the lower side as the pee sticks were faint) and that I should come in again on Sunday or Monday. Well, another wait..
I don't have any more pee sticks and won't test tomorrow morning, but will buy tomorrow to test Friday Saturday (Sunday?), I just figure that since it was so faint, I should give it another day for it to get a bit darker.. (but am still temping).

A line is a line is a line, isn't it - however faint it is? Then OMG, OMG, OMG - YESSSSSSS!!!!!!

Couldn't see anything at first and was crying because I was so so sure. But then, holding it up against the light and twisting and turning, I could see a faint line. Outside (where I took the pic) it became a bit more clear.
Then thought maybe it's residues of the Ovidrel I took, but since I took the shot 15 days ago, it can't be! It's probably faint because I didn't use morning pee (bought it today to test tomorrow, but you know - once I had the test in my hand, just couldn't resist testing). Wow, I really can't believe it! Will check again tomorrow morning.

Now have to get along with sorting my house. Called sister #5 the other day to help me with the cats, though reluctant, she said she will. So now have to get it going.

Feeling a bit unpleasant about telling the new bank. I do want to keep my options there open, just in case..

And the timing is probably great :-) Counting on sister #3 to invite us all one of the Hanukka nights to light the candles (she usually does..) which will be a great opportunity for me to tell everyone. Not too far away, but also not too near, gives me a week or two before telling.

Thank-you all for your good wishes :-).

Pregnant?

No symptoms. None what so ever.
Did have some period is approaching pains the other day.
But the temperature. For the last two days it is rising! Not only is it not going down, but rising. Last month I had a fever exactly at the end of the cycle (such a bad timing..), so the high temp could not have been an indicator. But now.. So am I???
Leaving now to get blood drawn for the missing tests the bank wanted. She will ask me if I'm pregnant (seems they have to ask all women of fertile age). Not sure if I'll just say no, or I don't know.
If not pregnant should be getting my period by tomorrow. Not sure if I'll get a HPT today (and test tomorrow morning) or tomorrow (and test Wed morning). I think I prefer the second choice.

Added later:
While waiting to have my blood drawn, they asked if they could check my blood pressure. Well, why not.. If I am pregnant it would be nice to know. So 110/75. Nice :-). But I am a bit over weight.
Oh, and when asked (whether I'm pregnant) was going to say "don't know", which in Hebrew is "no know". I just manged to utter the "no" when she turned away to register a "no". Oh well..

Show and Tell #1

My two-week-wait craziness. It started in my previous TWW. Probably even unrelated, I just had to finally found out the difference between the "nana" tea and the "menta" one - both Hebrew words that basically mean "mint", but as they are two different kinds of tea, there must be a difference between them. So I bought those two packets of tea. And then I bought more tea, and more tea, even tea I knew I wouldn't drink right then (I am very strict in the TWW with what I eat/drink - completely no caffeine, etc [I don't drink coffee, so it's not such a biggie]. Later when I am pregnant, I will be more flexible). Just had such craving to buy the tea, a craving that still continues in my current TWW).

The tea list:

1. red tea with cinnamon and vanilla (definitely my favourite!)
2. red tea with rosehips and passionfruit
3. red tea with rosehips and passionfruit (cheat #1 - it's an empty box, but was bought during the TWW..)
4. green tea with peppermint
5. blood orange and mandarine
6. white tea - jasmine (no idea what is white tea. since it contains caffeine, have to wait with this one..)
7. Royal Earl Grey (another cheat since was bought quite a while ago. One of my least favourites)
8. Earl Grey tea leaves (I love earl grey [above tea is not Earl Grey], but unfortunately I mistakenly got this one instead of the tea bag version)
9. cocoa rooibos with ginger and herbs (sounds yummy, but have no idea how it tastes..)
10. green tea with spearmint leaves
11. lemon tea (which you would probably agree is quite stupid, if you knew there's a lemon tree in the garden with lovely lemons growing on it..)
12. verbena and zaatar
13. fennel
14. apple and honey
15. lemonana (a mix of lemon and "nana")

Oh, and the difference between nana and menta? One is peppermint, the other spearmint. Unfortunately looking them up in the web, I discovered that they are not recommended for pregnant women, so baned in the TWW.

Now go back to Mel's blog and see what the rest of the class are showing.

P.S
Wednesday's low temp was probably a fluke since yesterday and today are highs again. I do occasionally have a low temp in the luteal phase, but usually earlier (meaning nothing) or later (meaning approaching period).
But I doubt if I'm pregnant. I am sure that if I were, at this stage I would know, would have the gut feeling that I am. And no feeling, no symptoms. Oh and am now [which is in fact later on in the day] feeling my period coming...

New Donor.... New Bank

So, chose today a new donor at a new bank. Actually, not really new bank. This was the bank I originally wanted to use, except... after waiting for about 4 months for my original appointment with them, they called to say that they are postponing all new appointments by a few months. I really couldn't wait to start, so went with this other bank.
And they are so nice! The doctor asked if he knew me, to which I replied that no (from where would I know him!?). But it seems he knew me from the fertility clinic as he also works there- nice that he recognized me, nicer still as I think I probably saw him only once, and I didn't recognize him.. Also liked his gesture at the end when he shook my hand (unlike previous bank's dr. who made stupid jokes all along the appointment and didn't really seem to care. Although it doesn't really matter, since from now I don't have to be in contact with him). It was nice that although I didn't have all the tests they required (I got this appointment from someone who gave it to me [otherwise it's about a 6 months wait..], so I brought the old tests I had which apparently are too old), they let me go on and choose a donor (and even wanted me to buy vials, except I would prefer to first wait till the end of the TWW). Previous bank, when I had just one test missing, one small tiny test, made me bring the result before I could continue. New bank - oh, just fax us the results. At old bank I luckily wrote known details of donor, new bank surprised me and gave me these details. How nice of them! Especially as that is so important for me (later on that). And I know new bank won't be so irritating like with the note and like with Friday insems (when I had an insem on a Fri at old bank, I had to wiggle. At new bank I was told to notify them in advance if I know, or even suspect insem might be on a Fri since they finish early on a Fri. (they mentioned the Fri without me asking about it, so I know it won't be a problem. Plus old bank did originally tell me that Fridays aren't a problem only to change a tune when Fri was a reality). Not to mention I didn't like how old bank suddenly upped their prices (one of their benefits was their relatively lower prices. Not any more after they upped them).

And I get so little information about the donor. Me who always inquisits about my heritage, who is always asking my parents about their background, who always wants to know, will be denying this from future child.
There are no open donors here in Israel, only closed ones. Yes, some people do order sperm from overseas (mainly the states), but that is way way way too expensive (I'm not talking about open donor being more expensive, or [if I'm not mistaken] that sperm in the U.S.A is a bit more expensive than here in Israel, but the shipment and the storage etc. It comes to about 10 times the price I pay, and I really can't afford that. I do feel somewhat selfish about it, but I know that the only way for me to have a child will be to deny her/him part of their heritage.
Therefore it is important for me to collect whatever data I can. Whether it's the few physical traits I know, any additional data about donor, even when the sperm was frozen (info I get from the sealed envelope I have to pass from bank to clinic, which obviously I'm not supposed to open, but then you don't let the cat watch the milk).

And this new donor.. I really didn't care who. I will admit that I did fancy the Yemenite guy (I love that skin colour!), but no big deal. Since I am a carrier of a genetic disease, it was more important to go with any guy who was checked for this disorder (although Yemenite guy would have probably done just fine since we are of different ethnic backgrounds).
Extra bonus with new guy is his religion, or rather what he is not - He is not a Jew. I honestly couldn't care a damn if he is a Jew, a Christian, or whatever, I really don't care. Except that having an unknown Jew as a father might cause problems with the religious authorities later on if and when child wants to marry (no civil marriages here. Those who can't [and there are plenty who can't] fly over to Cyprus and return as a married couple). Kind of a paradox, but while the Jewish religion is passed on by the mother, the lineage is passed through the father, so if the father is unknown, it is unknown if he is a Cohen (who can't marry a divorcee) or a bastard (who can't marry for 7 [or is it 10?] generations except each other), for example. But if father is not Jewish, then there's no problem. I wasn't particular looking for a non-Jewish donor (at last bank there were only Jews. Oh, I might as well as tell you that there were only 4 donors to choose from...), but knew this was another hardship I'm putting on future child. So I am happy that (if indeed non-Jew guy will be the donor - the woman in charge did hint that I should pay for donor as soon as possible since what's up today might not be tomorrow, but I prefer waiting till the end of the TWW) I have something less to worry about.
Somehow, with this new bank and new donor, I kind of hope I'm not pregnant..