Saturday:

"I am not pregnant"

"no symptoms, ha.. but wait, don't forget the embryo was a late bloomer, so let's give it a few more days.."

Sunday:

"not pregnant"

"not pregnant"

"not pregnant"

oh wait, the boobs that are really big and really hurt? could that be more than just the progesterone supplements? maybe??

and then at night, feeling that feeling in my boobs, the one I KNOW means something is happeing..

"I am pregnant"

"I am pregnant!"

Monday:

Sitting at lessons with a smile on my face, feeling an incy tincy feeling in my boob, waiting for the evening for when I will surely get that feeling of a body preparing to carry a baby. As the day proceeds, I start to understand that no, this is not going to happen. Not this time. It was probably a chemical pregnancy (I do believe I was feeling more than just the prog I am taking. In fact I am writing this post for future reference for myself) but now I am most certainly convinced

I am not pregnant!

I now very bad at taking those supplements because when I know, I know.

I am supposed to test on Monday (impossible as I study that day). I think I will skip the Beta and just wait for my period. IF I don't get my period by the end of next week, perhaps I'll go in for a Beta.

Unfortunately next cycle won't be for a few more months as I am now very hard financially.



EDT: Sat morning, got my period. which is a yay since I prefer getting it on the weekend and not when I'm studying a full long day or when we are invited to a birthday party... also I'm glad I "officially" know it's over.

quick update

Sorry I wasn't here lately, and so sorry I've again fallen behind on reading blogs. I actually usually even if I don't have time to really read posts at least have a quick glance at them in the reader so I am more or less up to date. This week, not even thato

Anyway, to update you.. After telling me that no embryo developed (how awful was that! to do a cycle and then to have nothing to transfer), the next day there was a late bloomer, so I had the the transfer the next day where I was told there is even another embryo (but it is too small, I don't have hope for that one). I did transfer both yesterday (the small one, in my eyes probably has a better chance to grow in me than to be frozen and then thawed plus I heard once that embryos that don't survive can "feed" the one that does survive).

And now the tww with the analyzing of every twinge... Please think sticky thoughts!

Post title?

• Last night I scolded my daughter (for playing with a candle and breaking it, if you must..) and her head went down and oh my. That is not how I want to parent! I don't punish her but I do occasionally shout at her and I hate myself for that but then I shout at her again :-(. I do believe in positive parenting, one that has no punishments and no shouting or threats (I am guilty of that too and I don't like that either [though I will say that when I do that, it is more of an immediate consequence than something in the future, but I would still rather if I didn't]. And I do believe it is something that can be done and is not too hard once you get the hang of it. My problems are: a. getting over my hot temper; b. getting over what I know as a child (being shouted at..)). And tonight with her head going down.... (and for a broken candle!!??) I do hope that was the last time!
• The other day Butterfly wanted me to read to her from these teaching English books. As they are for young learners, they have pictures, so we look at the pictures. Then we came across a grid of letters for a word search. Her mind must have been working trying to figure out what it was, because she then told me - keyboard(!) Now while you and I know it is far from being a keyboard, it does somewhat resemble it with letters arranged in rows. And I was (and am :-)) amazed because I do not teach her letters (not even sing to her the ABC song. I think she has very limited years of being a little child unaware of letters and words and a whole lifetime for reading and learning and all later on), so the fact that she recognizes that like a keyboard these are letters was a wow for me.
• I probably should update that I am cycling, but nothing much interesting to say. I take two injections every night. One stings. C'est tout.
  Okay I am actually stressed about the retrieval when I am going to be under anesthesia and who will watch over Butterfly. I just hope it does fall on a day I study [unlike my last cycle, lol] so I know she's okay with the nanny.
• Last but not least, I can't believe I have won a giveaway!! It is a book about parenting babies, and from what I have read it sounds like a great book! (she just sent it the other day so I haven't yet got it).[isn't this a sign this cycle MUST work? :-)]
• 
  

EDT: arranging my documents for tomorrow's monitoring, I look at the referral and it looks like something is missing but I'm not sure what. Comparing to an older referral I still have (thank god!) I notice that besides the lack of date, the PERSONAL DETAIL part is missing!! i.e the nurse forgot to put on the sticker with my name etc. I just hope hope hope they accept one or the other because I have not been injecting myself every night to now have to sit out!!!

I didn't really know her.... and more

• I didn't really know her. I was away for the first lesson (business of T42..) so I only got to see her on our second lesson. It was a Wednesday. At first (as in the break, before the lesson began) a young guy came and started to arrange his things, and I thought how nice that a guy and young :-). Then the lesson began and she was brought in on a wheel chair with oxegen tubes (or what it's called) in her nose and it seems that they teach this course together. And compared to other theoretical lessons , it was nice! She was there slowing him down, directing him, because obviously she had quite a lot of experiences teaching while he not at all or not so much. The next Wednesday she didn't come, and oohh he is a nice and brilliant guy, but he doesn't so much know to teach. I went out of his lesson asking myself, what on earth was his point, what was he trying to say.. but my point is that while she didn't come, I heard she asked about us, about how he lesson went (and let me remind you this was just the third lesson, it's not like she knew us already and cared for us and all). She passed away sometime in that weekend. Obviously they began this course together because it was known that her days are numbered, but I am in complete owe of this woman. To come to teach like nothing when you are terminally ill. Besides being really saddened by her death, I am sorry I didn't get to know her more.

• Studying. It's nice that we are more or less a small group (more or less because some students go to this course and/or will do that course next year/have done it,. etc), but it's not easy, mainly because there is all the time a lot of homework, and gosh, when can I do it??? I barely have time - Mon & Wed, the days that I learn, I am too exhausted at the end of the day. Sun & Tues I do some, but I also work and also have to take care of Butterfly when I'm not working, so it's very limited and mainly at night. Thurs morning is dedicated for B (and later I work). Which leaves me Fri & Sat to do my homework. Two whole days, that should be enough, no? Oh, have I neglected to mention having a toddler on board? And my status as single mum? So I do manage to get something in the weekend, but hardly enough.. And this teacher wants us to listen to Obama's victory speech and prepare ourselves to interpret it (it is actually great how he speaks slowly!!) and oh my! I managed to listen to it today, that is half way through I had to pour daughter some soup and then clean up the bowl that tipped over and... And I am not keen on listening to anything once she is sleeping. Oh well, will have to find a way round that.

• Had a doctors appointment. I am waiting for CD1 to begin ( I am now almost midway). I am to start injecting a suppression from day ! (last cycle it was by the nose and from day 21 of previous cycle and obviously a different med, so hope this does a better job..). Another thing that we are doing different is we are going to try and do a hatching - when they make a small hole in the embryo to help it. I am not so liking it, but if that's what brings me baby#2 then I'll be fine with it. If this cycle doesn't work, I might need to take a month or two off [money issues. I dare not complain because I know I am so much better off in that sense than many of you. But right now, with the studying and not being able to work 2 days, I am very tight. I have to pay my clinic a co-pay (which is annoying as I didn't have to pay at all three years ago when I had B) and if this cycle doesn't work I'll need to buy a new vial, and they have so upped their prices. URG.]

• Bombs, shells etc (you know, your regular item when doing a bullet post....). Okay, sorry about that [though pan was NOT intended], I will first preface and say that while I'm probably not too far from where (some of) the missiles fall, I have been lucky to not have the siren go where I live [though my mother said she heard today the bang of a missile being redirected]. And I really rather not go into politics and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, not that I myself am too sure of how or why as I do not listen to news.. But I will just say, that it is scary. It's not the first time I have been in such a situation - about 20 years ago, in the gulf war, when Iraq was throwing missiles at us... the big difference is that then I was a twenty year old with no one dependent on me. Now? I have this little girl to care for, and I admit that I am somewhat scared (but then again so thankful that so far we are not in their aim).

• Back to my studies (can't leave the post at that.. anyway this post is probably not long enough!! lol sorry if my posts are too long, they tend to be). I have to give a small talk on a subject of my choice but I need to have ten terms to translate. My first thought was IVF (plenty of terms there, and oh, it should be something close to me so I can talk about it and not read from my papers). But then, not too sure I want to share that [obviously I wouldn't be talking specifically about myself, but enough that that's my subject and I'm exposing the fact that I'm doing IVF]. So I thought of maybe talking about natural parenting (bedsharing, extended breastfeeding, etc). Problem #1 is that I can barely scrape 10 terms. #2 is that most of the terms either do not have a translation and we just say it in English in Hebrew or they are too obvious. The point of the exercise is for the class to practice interpreting (with the ten terms that they get in advance) but also to expand people's terms in all sorts of different subjects. Have to think about that, and maybe I'll ask the teacher..

P.S
Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs & Sat are okay by speller but Fri not??

Beware - a Rant..

A mother rant to be exact. I can't say my mother doesn't help me, because yes, she does occasionally help me. But not as much as she makes the whole world think (and really, regardless of my status as a single mum, not enough as a grandmother). And many times when she does help, there is this big sigh of how she is doing for me. Many years ago we went together on a holiday to England. There we on a trip to Stafford on Avon and other towns. She did the driving because I don't drive, but other than that.. I paid my share and all. Anyway later when she told people about this trip, she would talk about taking Billy to... Yes, she is originally from England and has been there before, and yes technically she did the driving, but wouldn't it be more correct (and give your daughter a nicer feeling..) to say - we went together to... ? But of course it's not just the words, she totally feels she is doing for instead of doing with.

When I began T42 I was hoping she will help watch Butterfly when I do the monitoring as I need to be there early in the morning and it's two buses. I quickly understood that it's too big a price and gave up. So I drag my daughter early in the morning, I can do it.

Last cycle I also needed help with the tank. You see unlike where most of you readers live, we have to bring the sperm by ourselves, we don't have shipments etc. [and allow me to interfere in my story and tell you how whenever I read someone talking about a shipment, I always imagine this great big ship sailing around, I think mostly the desert, lol] so I have to go to the bank and take the sperm myself to the clinic. Added complication is that they want it done with their special tank (it used to be that you could bring your own thermos, but since there was once a case where it blew up or something when a lab technician opened it, they've, rightfully, stopped that), so I have to go to the clinic and pick up their tank, go to the sperm bank and then go back to the clinic. and well, doing it by buses (yeah, why would there be a direct bus between clinic and sperm bank??) not so easy. Doing it on the bus with a little toddler on board!? I am not superhuman! So I asked mum last cycle to help me here.Now you all have read it once (I presume), how unclear was it?? Because when I asked my mother for help she was going on how she doesn't understand. Gee that sure gave me a good feeling. Anyway she did help me but with a big poor me how much I am doing for you attitude.

This cycle..I ask her to take care of Butterfly while I see the doctor. I really try and not ask for her help, really! It might sound that I ask a lot from her, but besides asking her to help me with Butterfly during my appointments, I really don't ask her.

I know it's getting long (and I really should get back to my homework) but I have to mention my (married) sister and how my mother went every week all the way to her (and she doesn't live near) to babysit as they had to go out to save their marriage (true, they were having a bad time, but really, you have to go out??). Because why would my sister take a local sitter when my mother can come?? Do you want to know how many time my mother watched my daughter, since she was born, while I was out having a good time? Two that I can remember (but lets add a third one in case I forgot something) - a sister's birthday when we had only sisters for breakfast (and I got a call asking when I will be back because she had to leave at a certain time, even though she knew I knew, just couldn't let me enjoy :-( ) and for a workshop my sister did. Okay, minirant over back to where I was..

Anyway I ask her to help me watch Butterfly while I go see the doctor. Her response? Well first why do I have to see a doctor in that far clinic? Couldn't I go and see a doctor who is nearer? WTF?? She then went on to grumbling about what is she going to do with Butterfly for five hours. Now lets ignore the 5 hours. I assume it could take me 3.5 - 4 hours tops, but lets go with her 5 hours. What will I do with Butterfly for five hours??? She is your GRANDAUGHTER! (And mind you, I do not expect you to do something special with her).One thing if she would have said - be back by such and such a time because I have to...... but what will I do with her!? I was somewhat insulted. And since I am really trying to cut down on the nanny (it's very hard financially right now with the studying and less work), I don't want to ask the nanny. So I will be dragging daughter to the appointment.

And then tonight something very small I asked her and her response.. well, you know what, I can do it all by myself. I will ask the nanny to help look after B while I do the tank and on the day of the retrieval (because obviously I can't be in charge of B while I'm under anesthesia..). For the rest I will just have to take B with me. URG.

BONUS is that no one will know when exactly I am cycling (mother does have a big mouth). I really much rather people not know!

P.S

Next time I will schedule the appointment with the doctor on the day I have the transfer (to the Thursday after the Beta [the only morning they have that I can]), because it is annoying and frustrating all this time wasting! [in the worst case in which I have a positive beta ( :-) ) I cancel the appointment..]

Quick update

Sorry I am a very terrible blogger lately. As I still have to do homework for tomorrow (urg..) I will keep this short.
I am no longer PUPO.. or in other words - I got my period. A bit earlier than usual (day 24. I think 29 days is about average for me). I knew for some time that it didn't work because I really didn't have any symptom. Last cycle I felt my uterus expanding (or whatever it was doing) and did at one time have that tingling feeling in the nipples. Now - nada.
I know I should go in for a Beta but it is such a drag I think I'll skip [I am beyond certain this is a period and not implantation bleeding. I did think [have a twinge of hope] at first, as it is a bit early that maybe this is indeed implantation bleeding, but it is a heavy bleed just like a period [though no cramps  but as I have learnt that when my periods are late the cramps are worse (and I don't usually have too bad periods) I assume the opposite should also be true!]. Okay so maybe I should have that Beta [tomorrow is when I should but that is impossible so if I'll go, it will be either Tue or Wed. I will only update here if I have some unexpected wonderful news, but won't otherwise.
Okay, finished my coffee [you see, I am most certainly not pregnant - I wouldn't touch that drink if I was!!] and have to go back to my work.

Symptom Watch

I am so tired. So so tired. Just a few hours after waking up I can't wait for an afternoon nap. I mean I do, usually, get somewhat tired taking care of a toddler, but not like this. Today and yesterday I slept with her the whole nap! (if I do nap with her I usually join her after an hour or so. and thank you that she is napping!).
But isn't this way too early?? If Chukka Bukka and Lukka or one or two of them are growing, they are hardly past the blastocystis stage. Could it be the weather!? [rain!!] or maybe being a weekend? [going now to do some googling..]

A Dream

Not sure where I was or with who (but not at home and/or with family) but I gave birth to my second child. It was such an easier birth! In no time and with no pain [I do recommend giving birth in dreams, lol]. But I don't think I saw the baby. I then went home, but without the baby (because s/he had to go to the hospital??*). Was wondering how and if to tell people I gave birth. Was thinking something about how the Ides of March is not such a great day for delivering a baby, but the 16th of March is a great day!! (yes, apparently it was the 16th of March when I gave birth). But when I came and everyone was there (I was expecting only my mother), I just shouted out the fact that I just gave birth. Everyone was happy and excited, but no baby.

I really don't like the idea that in all the dream there was no actual baby, I don't think it's a good sign. Oh well, did somebody say the crazy two weeks?

*It was a strange point in the dream too as I did not give birth in a hospital but I guess I had to find some "excuse" for why I didn't have baby with me.

Chukka, Bukka & Lukka

Yes, all three of them are in me right now! (and shall I mention it was a Wed. transfer? oh well..)
I had only four eggs on Monday, three of which fertilized. And so a decision had to be made - how many to transfer. [and why does the woman get the data on her eggs when she is lying half naked on the chair/bed?? Why can't you have this data before you get undressed!? So that when I come in I have already thought about it and not in an embarrassing situation? (though technically I did have a gown so my privates were covered until the doctor actually transferred, but still, it's the principle.] Anyway, I had two that were looking good and the third one a bit less but still pretty good. I decided to transfer three because:

1. I am okay with twins. Not so sure about triplets and if that will be the case I know that whatever decision I  make it will be a hard one, but I also don't think it has such a high chance.
2. Dr, said that transferring all three increases the chances of pregnancy. I won't transfer nine (or eight ;-)) to increase the chance to get pregnant, but if it's between three and two I think I will go with the better chance.
3. I read once that transferring a weaker one could be like food for the other embryos, that they can nourish on it.
4. He didn't want the weaker one to be frozen immediately but to see if it grows into a blastocystis.If this cycle doesn't work, then I'd have a FET with a blastocystis. I believe it has a higher chance of succeeding the less it grows outside my body. This is not based on anything, so maybe there is research that indicates otherwise, but my heart tells me it is wrong for my baby(ies) to do the growing on a cold dish [it's probably heated up to mimic the uterus, but you get what I mean, right?]<
5. If this cycle does succeed, then I have this poor little lone embryo and what do I do with it? Beyond getting pregnant a second time (if.. when..) I will not ttc again. So do I keep it frozen for ever? Do I let them destroy it? (I can't donate it).<

Anyway that was my rational while in stirrups for transferring all three. I should be doing the Beta on Monday (two weeks less two days) but that will be a bit difficult with the studying, so I'll probably have to wait till the next day to test. [I have a HPT I wanted to do on the day of the Beta so I will go in knowing. Not sure if I'll hold back and also do it on Tues or if I'll already do it on Mon].

P.S

I do already have names for my kids - a boy's names, a girl's name and a unisex name [so I'm okay for a singleton and for twins of different sex or the same!!] and at first going out of the room I called the embryos by those names. But I think it is too early for that (what if it doesn't succeed?) so I came up with Chukka, Bukka and Lukka.

Monday

Next week I am starting my studies. I will be studying two days a week - Monday and Wednesday. These are two full long days in which I won't really be able to work but the more annoying part is that there is one day between them, so it will be waking up very early, then our regular late then very early again. Not sure how that will work out with a little girl.. 

So this coming Monday I am to start my studies! Very excited about that :-). So yes, Monday here you come with my new laptop I bought for the occasion. Or, well.... does the egg retrieval have to fall on Monday?? Yes, missing the first day sucks totally. If it was during the year I would feel much better about it (and probably know someone enough to ask for her notes), but not the first day. I will go to the first lesson and might be back on time for the final lesson, at least something.. [I am thinking if I should say something to the secretary (or whatever her job title is), on one hand they are very friendly and it does look bad not attending the first day. On the other hand, not sure I want to share that I'm undergoing IVF treatments, not for any particular reason besides me being a very shy and private person)].

Now I have to hope that the transfer will NOT be on Wednesday. Please say with me - transfer shall not be on Wednesday! [funny thing, I think it was you Shannon who asked or said something about doing everything in the cycle like the previous one, the one that worked (or was it you Little One, or both of you :-)). Though this cycle we did do things like my successful one, I actually would rather it not be exactly the same [not sure why, maybe the fear of having high expectation as it must work since it did last time, and then having a downfall), Not the same except for the day of the transfer. I had a day 2 transfer back then and would love would have loved to have a day 2 transfer again. But well, missing also Wednesday? Please NOT!

Besides that, as soon as I finish this post, I will be getting into my little chemist position, preparing my Menopur (if you ask me, the worst part is breaking the ampules with the solvent.. I really hate that part!).

EDT - that second ampule just broke into tiny pieces (that's a first!). For fear that some tiny pieces might have fallen inside (and then me injecting them..) I had to break another one. Oh well..

The Aware Baby / Aletha Solter - not a book review

This book had a great impact on me and I am glad I heard about it.. I don't always agree with the author's ideas or it doesn't always work for us, but still I thing it was a great read for me.

The one major thing I've learnt from this book, is that Butterfly is allowed to cry. Now I am not talking here (and for the rest of this post) about a young baby crying because he wants to eat or sleep or whatever his need might be. No, not the crying that is for us adults to fulfill a need in a helpless infant, more the cry that is "just" an emotion or else. Because if the baby is crying because he is hungry, there is nothing else than to feed him. But a baby who is crying because he is frustrated or sad or whatever, we usually try to calm the baby down, to stop him from crying. But then what are we doing? We are teaching baby that negative emotions are bad, that we have to keep them for ourselves, not show them. And then, don't we adults need an outlet sometimes? We can have a bad day and blog about it, we can phone a friend and cry to her on the phone about the rough day we are having or even hit a pillow or something. A baby can't, all he can do is cry. And like we wouldn't want someone to stop us in the middle of our rant and say to us - there there. nothing to rant about, here take a cookie, probably the baby doesn't like when we do that to him.. And the cookie.. unrelated to this book because even before reading it I knew it is wrong to try and calm a crying baby with food as I do not want food issues, don't want her to associate being sad etc with eating, but my mother would always tell me to give her something to eat when Butterfly was crying, because that sure will calm her down. Most likely, but then I'll be teaching her the above...And why is crying such a bad thing in our eyes? My mother doesn't stand it when Butterfly cries, "oh, stop that noise" she tells me.Why can't we embrace the crying baby, let her know it is totally okay to feel sad? So my key word to my mother when Butterfly cries when she's around..) is that Butterfly is allowed to cry!

But then, according to Solter, you are not supposed to let the baby/toddler cry alone. You should be there with him, hug him and let him know you are there for him. I love that in theory but my daughter? She has a big DO NOT HUG ME sign on her when crying or even do not touch me. So I sit back and try to show her I am there for her. And then I do want her to stop crying (because I do want to continue with trying to go to sleep, for eg. and maybe I am being a bad mother not trying to calm her down..) but want her to let it all out. Yes, I would call these sessions CIO (cry it out) as I want her to get it all out, but a very big difference from the common CIO procedure of which I won't say another word besides that I am totally against (because I know some of you readers do/did use it). I don't remember when we last had a big crying session, which I don't know if that's good or bad..

Another problem is that many if these cries are caused by me. I mean I am the straw and it's the frustration of the hard day or whatever, but it is still me not allowing her that extra cup of milk or whatever. It's not easy also being the trigger and also letting her cry about it. That's not to say that I never calm her down when she cries, I just try and not prevent her from crying because it would make me feel better. I also taught her that when she falls and hurts herself, she comes to me for a kiss and not me to her. I know it sounds cruel because what mother would not run to their child when they fall and cry with them.. But seeing my sister hover over her child even on the slightest fall and not giving them a chance to learn how they are feeling, well I believe my child should have the right to have the first responds. Maybe it didn't hurt her? Maybe it wasn't as painful as it looked from the side? Butterfly when falling - gives a little whine or a little cry, comes to me and shows me where it hurts and is back to happy girl after she gets the kiss. (that is if she cries/whines, because many times she will be just fine.). But I think I've digressed..

So while I do like the idea of letting her crying when she needs to, it is not always easy to follow.

Another thing I've learnt from her and from positive parenting blogs I read, is about praise and how it is not always such a good thing (encouragement is better) but I think this post is long enough and I'm sure I'll go into it in another post I hope to write some day, so that will be it for now.

P.S

CD2! 

worms

The other day I thought Butterfly had worms as it took extra long to get her to sleep (something like 3 hours! she has never been easy to get to sleep but 3 hours?!) and she was complaining that her bottom hurts (I thought at first a poo that's not coming out). I now doubt it was worms (I looked a few times closely down below and didn't see anything moving (oh, I hope that wasn't TMI..), but at the time, middle of the night with a holiday the next day so even if I knew what to do I wouldn't be able to get anything (and my mum who would know about stuff like that is away and can't help me). Anyway now that I've read some, I think I'd like to share in case anybody might need this information.

I dug this up from a natural parenting site, so most of the remedies are natural, but there is of course a conventional treatment. Here it is called Vermox (as it accepted the spelling, I suppose not only here...) and you need a prescription for it (at least here). You take it once and then again maybe a week later (or two weeks? obviously according to what the dr. says).
I myself am not keen on starting with proper medicine so I would wait to see if anything else helps, but not wait too long because with girls, if they are not treated, the worms can move on to the vagina.

Besides that, whatever treatment you choose, it is important to keep hygiene. The kid scratches his butt, eggs get on the hand (mainly under the fingernails)  and then he puts his hand in the mouth or touches food etc and the eggs  go through the digestive system back to the intestine. So wash hands after scratching and before eating. In the morning wash the butt and change underwear. Don't sleep with a bare butt. Change beddings (and of course wash them) frequently, also air them in the sun as the worms do not like sun light. Wash clothes, sheets etc in at least 60 degrees celsius (sorry, I have no idea what's that in F).
If the child is also suffering from constipation, treat it as the worms could be stuck in the poop in the intestines and as long as there are worms and eggs there you can't get finish treating the worms.

And now for the natural remedies:

• Starve your enemy. Worms like sugar, so don't eat any sugars, including fruit, honey and other natural sweeteners.

• unroasted pumpkin seeds are known in Chinese medicine as helpful in the battle against worms. Recommended in the morning on an empty stomach. Also good is fresh carrot.

• Put a drop of tea tree oil on wet cotton wool and rub the butt. I will add that somewhere else I read that it could burn, so I'm not sure about this.

• Whether you undergo the conventional treatment or a natural one, supplement the treatment with acidophilus which is an intestine friendly bacteria. These help fight the worms from the inside and support the digestive system and prevent it from getting hurt.

• Garlic, to be used in a few ways: 1) crush and put down below. may burn but is helpful [I wouldn't..]; 2) cover a clove in vaseline and penetrate [again, not something I would do. but if you do, make sure when you peel the garlic clove that you don't injure it so as not to burn! I though did put a garlic clove in her knickers); 3)rub bottom with some garlic oil; 4)garlic capsules as suppositories; 5) eat foods with garlic; 6) cook milk with garlic sweeten with some honey and drink it.

• oregano oil [not sure what to do with it..]

• A sugar bath - for an immediate relief even if temporary. Worms love sweet, so this method tempts them to come out.. You melt 1/2 a kilo (I think that's about 1 pound?) of sugar in warm water and then pour it into a bath with only water, no soap. Don't fill bath too high, only so the water will cover the child's bottom. Put the child inside and within minutes the water will have worms in it. yuck, yes! take the child out, empty the bath and give a proper wash to the child. [I tried that one tonight, just to be on the safe side. Nothing came out and a good thing because she was also trying to put the (sugared :-) ) water in her mouth. so it sounded to me like a great idea but you might have to watch your child carefully..].

• At night rub vaseline on the child's anus. Worms that come out at night get stuck in it.. Wash in the morning.

• Pomegranate - boil the peel of a pomegranate in water and drink about a 1/4 of a cup, can add milk.

A day in life..

I think it is nice reading all these mundane single mother posts. How we are so alike and yet so different :-). So I decided to join with a day in our life. Though it will be a bit hard to write for two reasons: 1. We are very much not schedule people. I can't say we get up at ...... and do this at such a time etc, only vaguely [my speller is back, yay!!]; and 2. We are now in the middle of the holidays (Succot now) so these days now are not typical, but anyway I'll try and think back..

But first, if I mentioned Succot, let me proudly tell you that I "built" a Succah. I have been wanting to have a Succah ever since Butterfly was born but it somehow never happened. This year I was determined so I hung some sheets round a pergola. We are still working on the decorations.. [it a custom for the kids to sit in the holiday and make paper chains and other decorations]

So our day..

Depending on when we went to sleep, we wake up in the morning ("we" that means Butterfly, she wakes up which makes me wake up). I think on a day when the going to sleep the previous night was okay, then wake up would be around 7:00-8:00. Still in bed we have a nursing session until (usually I) decide to get up. I go and have my morning sessions at the computer while Butterfly rarely leaves me alone [some need coffee in the morning, I need some unwinding aloneish time]. She goes between nursing and playing and asking me to read her books etc. She also has some "milk" (soy milk). 

About an hour later we make our breakfast - a vegetable salad in which Butterfly cuts the cucumbers [yes, I have to finish it off, but I love that Butterfly is learning to use a knife (and yes, she cuts them by herself...)], toasted bread with white cheese and tea. Sometimes we have egg and/or tuna etc.

After breakfast we mostly play a bit (or more she plays while I clean up). Sometimes we have this or that to do, other days not. It is soon going to be cooler days (one can hope!) and maybe we'll go back to having a morning walk, but it is too hot for that now, so we just play and do nothing special.

If I am lucky, by about 12:00 she goes down for a two hour nap, but a nap is never certain as is the hour in which it occurs. Usually at 14:00 the nanny comes and I head of for work. One big disadvantage of my work is that it is very limiting hours (and being without a car limits me even more as I need "bus time"). This is very much why I am studying translation - in the hopes that I will be able to have that extra work which I could do at home when B is sleeping.

The nanny takes her to her house (unless she's asleep, of course) and brings her back around 19:00 plus. Sometimes I pick her up from the nanny's but mostly she brings her back. The nanny is a simple but very warm and loving, and so are the others in her family who also attend to Butterfly (mainly her 20yr daughter, but also her twin brother and the rest). I really love how Butterfly is part of their lives and how she is family to them. That is what I wanted when I was looking for a nanny..

Butterfly has mostly eaten, but if not then she has pasta or egg etc. Besides that, we play a bit, I try and have a bit of computer time [my name is Billy and I am addicted to the computer], from here to there it seems like bed time. Bed time is up to her to "decide". She will come up to me to nurse and I would say that if she wants then in bed (but I explain how first we would need to have a shower etc). At some point she says okay and we have our shower and I brush her teeth [when given to her to do, she just bites her brush, never does any brushing movements. urg, I wish she would..] put on a nighty (or if in the wash, whatever is loose enough for the night) and we start our sometimes long (could take over an hour), rarely short process of getting B to sleep (I breastfeed her to sleep). At about 1ish she wakes up to pee (I hold her on the potty as she is half asleep). And that's it mostly for the night.. 

And talking about a mundane day, the other day I took this video of us with my tablet. It is a bit long and nothing really special to report [if you do watch - please ignore my hair (yeah right, you are now only looking at it, lol), and those silly questions.. I was trying to get her to say something for the camera :-)], but I loved seeing it, seeing how me and her are together. Because yes, I know how we interact and all but somehow I never get to see it.

My Yom Kippur), meds (and other stuff?)

Didn't mean on my last post to celebrate how wonderful Butterfly is (though of course she is!), more to say how wonderful the age she is in, but oh well.... But I will add this little story from today.. She was nursing and wanted to change sides. I was too lazy and comfortable so was kind of reluctant. So Butterfly, giving her professional opinion says - not good! She cracked me!

Yom Kippur.. was acutally quiet a good one.I didn't fast (and when telling my sister [#1, who by the way does not fast] that I'm not because of taking care of Butterfly and all she gave me such a look.but who cares. I do generally fast, maybe next year I'll feel up to it, or not eat but allow myself a bit of water [because there is something about fasting that adds to the purity of the day].
I stayed the night at my father's as I was planning on cycling the next day to a friend and he lives midway. My father living in the house I grew up in. So we went to shul (synagogue) together. I ususally do go there for the Yom Kippur service as I don't like the nearby shul (and most others here are not of my, stream lets call it). It is important for me to let Butterfly in on her faith and customs. I am not a believer in god but I do believe in tradition and in teaching my daughter the tradition of her people. Surprisingly  we were early and had to wait for tht service to start. But once it started, Butterfly was not a happy girl, and the woman next to me, oh that deserves an astrix*. Anyway we went out with all the crowd (mainly kids, those with kids) and had a nice time (hmm not including the one time she got really lost, but might I say clever her went to look for me inside [crying, of course, while I was searching outside. from them everytime she went beyond a few steps I had to get up and follow, which meant almost as soon as I'd find somewhere nice to sit....). I briefly encountered someone who I went to elementary school with! (I don't think I have seen him since then..) Unfortunately I couldn't really talk to him as Butterfly was trying to get lost again.. I tried looking him up on FB, but how do I know which one is he (or even if he has a FB account). I think I'll try and do some investigating in the next few days and then sen all the possible Y a note asking if he was the guy I talked to on Yom Kippur, lol.
Next morning I cycled with Butterfly over to this friend for breakfast (see the none fasting part above..). Had a nice morning together and then cycled home. Home being mostly down hill (yay..). And at one point I was riding with a little one sleeping behind!! [of course she woke up when I brought the bike in and took ages to get back to sleep..].
She had quiet a long nap. When waking we went to the local shul to hear the Shofar. Okay I am very disappointed with this shul, besides not the tunes I know and love the seperation between men and women [one thing I would most certainly change, with all my love to tradition and all,  is the fact that men and woman are seperated!] was such that women could really see nothing. If we had a guy with us, I could have sent her to the male part to see and not only hear, being a single mother I couldn't of course.. As that was not the only thing I didn't like, I think next year I'll either stay the whole day at my father's or come back for the end service.
I think every year after Yom Kippur I say I'll go a bit more often to shul because I do like the prayers as much as I know and would love to "learn" more but somehow never get around to it.. Hope I do better this year! [maybe I should try and look for a good local shul]



meds. I need to start taking my meds on the first of October. Seems that with the HMOs here there is a quarterly top roof limit on payment of medicine for the chronically ill. Medicine for the chronically ill defined as medicine taken for more than one consecutive (or something like that) therefore fertility drugs are (mostly) included. In other words, if I have reached this maximum figure, I do not have to pay for anymore meds (that qualify) in that quarterly. Yes, crazy.. Well, guess when a new quarterly starts? Yes, on the first of October when I'm supposed to begin! And to make matters worse, it is not a working day so I will only be able to buy them the next day (and damn hope the pharmacy I go to have them!). It won't cover this cycle, but if I don't succeed it might help financially with the next and I think it will be silly to pass it. And CD21 is just an arbitrary number (and I am going the next day to purchase the meds). It of course depends if my meds are included and/or if those will be the meds I use for my next cycle (optimistic me says to insert here a comment...). Chances for both that yes!

* I remember a story in a school book back when I was a kid about a Rosh Hashana service in the synagogue and this simple boy who didn't know how to pray but wanted so much to pray to god so he then gave a loud whistle. The crowd murmmerd how awful and terrible but only the rabbi asked who was the one that opened the sky so god could hear our prayers. Only he could understand that a parayer is not just words uttered from a book and that now you have to say this or that. So this elderly woman was looking at me as Butterfly at this point wasn't sitting quietly until I had to take her out. Yes, instead of my daughter tasting a bit more of  this holy day we had to go out. [I doubt if we would have survived the whole service, but still..]

Other stuff.. this friend I went to, invited me to a rock concert. I haven't really been out since I had B (and not that before I was such a party girl..) so I'm quiet excited with the idea. I will ask the nanny and/or my mother to look after B, but I am really not sure how and what as I nurse B to sleep.

tail (of a ) bird

Was planning for some time to write a post titled "Terrific Twos" but tomorrow (when I was going to write it) somehow never comes.. But today* she totally amazed me, so here is the post..


Well we were outside playing. A bit earlier birds were mentioned but then she played with something else before going to the chalk board. She scribbles a few lines and then tells me  that it's a birds tail! I was oh wow! Because I never ask her what she is drawing or even expect it to be anything more than scribbles, so for her to come up and tell me it does mean something (obviously first she drew and then came the meaning, but still...), I totally didn't expect that. And I might add that I loved her imagination!

Don't they look like birds' tails? :-)

And yes, we do have the occasional tantrum (last night being an example.. yes, I think besides being a procrastinator I also didn't want to jinx :-)) but I don't think they are too hard (my mum also thinks so..) and/or I don't get too excited by it (I do sometimes, at the mall etc, sit down with her on the floor trying to be with her in her moment of anger/frustration/etc). The other day. leaving the pool she had this tantrum and only when we were half way home did the word "ball" come out of her mouth, and oh yes, we forgot the ball. Somehow she was upset of leaving and then as I forgot the ball it became into a tantrum. [but funnily enough, speech related tantrums are very rare, it's mostly her not wanting to leave..].
And many times when she is upset and crying, she will suddenly see a plane (for example) and say there's a plane in the most uncrying manner, only to resume to crying a few seconds later. It is kind of funny..

But mostly she really is in such a terrific age! She is growing and blooming and is just so wonderful and amazing! And she is very creative and imaginative. Like the other day she "drove" a toy car up and down my father's leg or how she rides the back of the sofa as a horsey.. She is also much more able now. She can join the train's track pieces (and we are now so into trains! and airplanes!) and puzzles (sets of twos) and thread the beads and so on. And she know her colours and she knows that "two" means more than one. I am now "working" on more numbers [colours, numbers, etc, I do not teach beyond exposing her to, like - do you want to eat on the green plate or the blue one? (not doing puzzles with colours and asking her what every colour is, etc) or counting aloud the fruit when reading the hungry caterpillar but not expecting her to do so]

I recentally bought a tablet. Mainly because I want to play that fruit chopping game, lol. But seriously, I aim it both for my pupils and for my daughter. Right now I'm restricting it to Saturdays only for her as I don't want too much "computer" time. But while she does love it, I am happy to say that she is fine and doesn't cry for more.

I mentioned how she loves the train set (IKEA), her other great like is dolls. She loves taking them around and mainly putting them to sleep (another great like is to bring here all the beddings from the bedroom and put the dalls (or herself) to sleep. [but actually going to sleep is, as it was always, mostly not such an easy feat]

Another great love of hers is running (my mother says that she doesn't walk, she runs!) and jumping. Oh how she loves to jump! She just jumps and jumps and jumps. She can jump down steps but can't yet copy her cousin and jump up the steps, lol. But she does try and copy. And she loves looking at other kids and learning from them. I also think she is a born leader as I see many times that she will do something and the other (older!) kids will follow her suit.

She is also now in the age that what's hers is hers! (I mean MY) Mostly very cute especially when she "defends" my stuff like the other day when we were on a bus and I put my bag on the seat opposite and later a woman came and sat on the seat near the bag and Butterfly was going - mummy bag!

And I could probably go on about what an amazing age she is in (not to mention how wonderful and amazing she is!!) but I should probably go to sleep now :-).




*that would have to be yesterday as I was too tired last night to continue.

Shana Tova

First let me delight - I have a keyboard I have a keyboard :-))
[if you leave your child alone for a few minutes. make sure there is no yogurt anywhere near. and if you did do that mistake, don't wash keyboard down in the hopes that it will dry within a day...]


Also, an update on the ttc front - I met with the doctor and we decided to do a long protocol because: a. that way I am not affected by them being closed for the next few weeks (I'm to begin on CD21 which is the 1st of Oct), and b. we are doing the exact same protocol that worked last time.


But mainly wanted to wish a Shana Tova for whoever will be celebrating the new year. May this year be the one where all your dreams come true! [wanted to add a picture of Butterfly but didn't manage to get a good one of her.. so will just be this plain post.. speaking of which, we did (well doing, they are not yet done) do Shanot Tovot (=new year greating cards) which are very plain and simple, but hey, I think I was in school when I last did one and I love the idea of beginning this new tradition with Butterfly. Hopefully next year will be better :-).]

And now on to the cooking :-) [leaving the honey cake for tomorrow morning so someone can "help" me make it...]

HPT => |

Didn't expect anything else as I feel completely nothing. I wonder if that buzz I felt back then was the progesterone or maybe little embryo was alive back then and was sending distress calls. I am of course going soon for the beta but I won't be waiting for the results (will be curious though to see my progesterone levels).
Later I will call the clinic to schedule an appointment which most likely means this month is lost (if there is a next time I'll schedule the appointment earlier. The problem this month is that they are taking some time off and I didn't want to start a cycle worrying if the timing will be okay or not).


EDT: Oh the lab must be kidding. It's already 20:00 and still no beta results. Yes, I got a very negative pee stick (I even tried to dig it out of the bin some hours later to see if maybe maybe there is a faint line. lol) and my period is here so I am not really waiting for it. But does the word 'urgent' really needed to be written on a referral for a beta?! Isn't it clear that that is one blood test that needs to be done today?? [mustn't forget next time to ask the doctor to add 'urgent'..]
Not to mention that the nurse that takes blood must have forgotten to put in the TSH test the doctor ordered which is quite a nuisance as I now have to go back to the doctor to get the referral and then again to the lab. oh well. (and I was happy to be able to do in all in one..)

Still PUPO?

Probably not.
Amazing how I am always optimistic in the first week and then pessimistic in the second.. But this time I was not just optimistic that first week, I was absolutely sure I was pregnant! Really. It was just a matter of time until I get that lovely beta, not whether.. And I was marveling at how wonderful it would be - time-wize, this child should be born between me and my daughter's birthday, how nice to all celebrate together. More than that, it's perfect from work perspective as it is just before the summer holiday and so I wouldn't miss much work (I'm a freelancer so no work=no pay). And how lovely it would be to have such a story of #2 being actually older than #1... [and yes, I now remember I did start being a bit pessimistic right after the transfer but your comments cheered me up :-)]. And a first unmedicated cycle - no issues with yes/no/how/when breastfeeding! I was so positive this was it, that I even felt love for this little embryo. I was having no real symptoms (except some mild feelings/cramps in my lower abdomen) but that was okay as it really is so early in the game!

 This second week? I've turned absolutely sure it's a negative. My breasts did hurt me the other day, and as clear as the blue sky that was how it felt when I was pregnant. Looking up old posts to my first IVF cycle, the one that a. failed and b. I was on the same support as I am now (endometrin, though twice a day now as opposed to three times a day three years ago) to compare if/what I felt. I really had to "try hard" to actually "feel" something back then. So....... But maybe it is just the support? As it was just a one time thing, I take it as just a fluke, as the progesterone I am taking going to my breasts and not a baby [I did take my two doses closer together than usual and this feeling happened not long after the second dose]. And I know that I haven't gotten the negative yet, but it just sucks. As I said, I absolutely know I am not (and one way or the other, I will be absolutely correct! lol).
The pathetic thing is my endomitrin pills will be finished on Sunday but Monday is when I am to test (I will need at least to take the morning dose, and as I forgot to ask the doctor to write emergent on the referral, maybe also the second one of the day). And do I open a new pack just for one (or two) pills!? in case I am not pregnant, if I am I am to continue taking them. It's psychological more than anything else. Anyway I have come up with a plan :-). Even if I am positive and I test on Monday, I probably will get a low number. So better to wait a few days..Anyway isn't the two week wait supposed to be two weeks?? lol. So I will buy a home pregnancy test, and early Wednesday morning poas (yeah, still have a twinge of hope left) and then leave to have my blood drawn  That way I won't have to keep pressing the refresh button on the site where I see the blood results.


On other news. good news this time - I have been accepted to the translation degree!! The other day I went for a test and an interview, and boy was that test hard! Well mainly the part where I had to explain words from a passage in the same language (there was one in Hebrew and one in English). They were really difficult passages with difficult words! But I did have a good feeling and didn't think they expected me to know all those words. Anyway the same day I got an email telling me I have been accepted - how lovely!

Breastfeeding Carnaval

Welcome to the August edition of Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Breastfeeding.
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting. As August is Breastfeeding awareness month, our participants are writing about this exact subject! Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Trying to begin this post while Butterfly (2.2) is standing by my side nursing (and trying to press the different keys on the keyboard, oh well we'll probably write the majority of the post once she's asleep..). I am so happy and proud to be (still) nursing as we had a very difficult start.

I always knew I would want to nurse and to nurse beyond the first year or two, so I did do a bit of reading about nursing while pregnant. But my focus was much more on birthing because I wanted to have a natural unmedicated birth. I was sure that nursing won't be a problem (because why should it? millions of women nurse...). Well somewhere on my blog (on a very old post) you can read about that birth that went wrong which may or may not be related to issues I had with nursing (a lactation counselor told me they are connnected). Anyway I read, but still had a lack of knowledge. Especially how often a baby can require the breast. It can't be she's hungry!! And with me not having enough milk and the lack of support, I totally did not believe in my ability to breastfeed my child. So I gave formula, mainly formula though never stopped breastfeeding, because while I did not believe in myself, I was going to fight it and have my child have some breastmilk. At five months (exactly!) I got a wake up call. She had a growing spurt and was on my breast for two whole nights. Hey girl, what are you doing? I don't have milk, remember? But still she nursed and nursed and nursed, and I was wow, maybe all is not los [nursing baby (a doll) now. lol] lost, maybe I do have some milk! Unfortunately it was too late to regain sole nursing and I still had to give formula but it was lovely to know that I can breastfeed :-). To any new mother who wants to breastfeed, I would say how important it is to have support. It is so difficult to maintain breastfeeding when everyone around you tells you you don't have enough milk and how it's not the end of the world to formula feed and all (it was for me). I would also like to tell you to believe in yourself!

Many times when she breastfeeds, I look at her in awe. It amazes me how she loves the breasts and to look at her nurse from them.. :-). I did try here and there to take a picture of her nursing, but they mostly came out as a not to show the public pictures, lol, but at least there'll be there for me and her for later in life. 

As to how long I want to continue to breastfeed.. In an ideal world until she weens herself, and I'm aiming at that. But I am also trying to get pregnant again, which means fertility treatments and hormones. Not the best combination with breastfeeding. Luckily my first cycle is a FET, that is a transfer of a frozen embryo, which means no drugs.I know I am not doing the so called right thing by not telling the doctors I am still breastfeeding, but I have read enough on the subject [though I must say, there is little to be found about breastfeeding while going through fertility treatments] to honestly believe that it can be done. If this cycle doesn't work, I will try and see if I can have a natural IVF (again, no drugs), but if not, and the worse comes to the worse I will minimize the breastfeeding (and time the taking of the hormones so maximum time before the next time Butterfly nurses). I really do hope I can get pregnant without stopping to breastfeed (and that I can maintain breastfeeding while pregnant, I did hear it is not easy!). I did wait until around Butterfly's second birthday to get back on the wagon of trying to conceive again so that she will be old enough and if I do have to quit, at least I know I gave her two years of my milk.

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Visit The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Parenting Myth Busted: They Never Stop Breastfeeding - Laura at Authentic Parenting shares how her 4 year old effectively weans herself.
• 7 Tips for Breastfeeding In Public Stress Free -  From baby wearing to using a scarf, Ariadne of Positive Parenting Connection is sharing many helpful tips on how to breastfeed in public stress free.
• Breastfeeding has been Downhill - Jorje of Momma Jorje compares her nursing experiences and finds... it hasn't gotten easier with time and experience.
• A Heartfelt Tip for the Nursing Mamas - Margaux from Young Nesters gives her biggest piece of advice for all present and future breastfeeding Mamas.
• Breastfeeding Carnival - Billy at My Pathway To Motherhood writes about the past, present and future of nursing her daughter.
• Amy W. at Me, Mothering and Making it All Work describes why she loves to advocate for and help nurture breastfeeding relationships.
• To My Nursling - Stone Age Parent dedicates a breastfeeding poem to her child.
• My 3 ½ Year Old Breastfeeds As Much As A Newborn – And That Is Fine By Me - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama
• Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival of Breastfeeding: Our Sorta Sudden Gentle Weaning - Wolfmother Chronicles
• How to breastfeed while babywearing in a men tai - Lauren at Hobo Mama offers a video tutorial for easy, hands-free nursing on the go in a mei tai (Asian-style) baby carrier.
• My Boobs? Mighty Frickin' Spectacular, Thank You Very Much. - Rhianna from The Other Baby Book shares a post crediting breastfeeding with nurturing a connection not only with her son, but also with her breasts and her body's empowering ability to do its thing.

PUPO!

Very exciting to go with your girl to the place where she was made, where she "spent" the first two days of her life... So yes, finally, I got to cycle. It was weird thinking I am actually cycling because besides doing a lot of monitoring, there was nothing to it (a natural cycle). I was concerned about taking Butterfly with me to be monitored, one of the reasons being not wanting to make it hard on women who are trying for their first. Well the place where I did the monitoring is an all clinic for any health problem, so it's not a big deal bringing her. It was a bit different today when I took her to have the transfer but oh well (if there will be a next time I hope I can leave her with someone at home). The weird thing if this works [and sorry, probably pregnancy brain already, but I can't remember if I mentioned this or not] the embryo transferred was from the IVF cycle from before the one that brought me Butterfly, so if it succeeds there will be three years difference [more or less exactly as the transfer for Butterfly was on the 9th of Sep!!] between the two siblings but actually only a month between them two. This is also why I am not holding my breath too much about it succeeding. For start, the better embryos in that batch were transferred and there was no pregnancy. Also, and this is probably nonsense but, well.. it is three years old! not young. I mean don't embryos have a life expectancy? Can you transfer an embryo that has been retrieved years ago? [okay maybe yes - there was a story about these ancient date seeds that were found (not sure how and what), maybe two thousand years old (I must find that story!) and the scientists planted them because they wanted to learn about the date tree from back then, and while most didn't catch on, there were successful with some! Okay, science edition of the blog ended, though did you see the pictures of Mars from Curiosity? AMAZING!) Okay, I'm babbling. I now have to wait :-)[and make myself a nice cup of hot tea while I have the air conditioning going..]

Perfect Moment

My friend had a pool birthday party for her daughter today (Friday). As we came early and as my daughter looooves water and pools and all, we were the first ones in the pool. But I quickly remembered my waiting to hear from the fertility clinic (and being Friday, made me quite nervous I'll miss the instructions) so I drugged her out of the pool. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long for the call, but now Butterfly would not go back into the water. So while everybody was having a good time in the water, we were playing on the grass and I was hoping for a change of heart while trying to be cool with being at a pool party and not being in the pool.
Anyway, food was brought out and people came out of the pool to eat and a bit of party games and birthday cake and then people began to leave. And then she uttered - pool. Yes, now with most of the people gone she wanted in! (so that's what bugged her..). It was evening by now and really lovely!

So we were having a great time enjoying ourselves. And then she started screaming [or shouting? you know, for the fun of it..] and I, while reluctant at first, joined her.And we were screaming, forehead to forehead in the water and just enjoying the moment.I can't so much explain why it was such a moment. Maybe I too often think of how when she'll grow a bit more or talk a bit more etc and am not in the actual moment of my little toddler. Maybe it was because we were finally in the water or the coolness of the evening or the atmosphere at the end of the party with only a few people left. And maybe it was just simply a mother-daughter moment. I did, anyhow think of it's perfectness at the time and then I come home and open FB and see Lori mentioning the Perfect Moment Monday and while I haven't participated in a very very long time, isn't that a sign saying I should? :-).

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First I would like to apologize for being so late on my reading. Currently my reader is saying 478 yikes! unread posts :-(. It was this translation job that got me so behind, and then when I can I come and see such numbers and get overwhelmed.... [I can't just erase all and start new, just can't do that, but I will admit that I've learned that it's okay to not read every single post..]. And this translation job, it was hard work but good money (though when I thought about it, with the hard work I put into it, it wasn't so much good pay per hour, but more the fact that I could do it when Butterfly is sleeping [hmmm.. I mean when she's finally sleeping..] and not need to pay a nanny to have Butterfly off me so I can work) but the sad thing is she (the one who I "work" for) is on a break now. I can totally understand her - it is the summer holiday, she is home with the kids, it's hard enough for her she just can't take this extra work [she does this as something extra, it is not her main work]. Oh and did I mention that she's an SMC too? And with TRIPLETS? Yeah, I can understand her not wanting extra work when she has the kids full time, but it does suck a little as it was a good extra income in a difficult financial time. And then there's the FB group I've become addicted too (but I think it's starting to wear off. lol) and of course tonight I'm writing this post so won't be reading any (sorry!!).

Anyway.. that was a long introduction to what I hope will be a sort(ish?) post with an update on things. I wanted this time to do things through the public system. Mainly because of the cost but also it is easier for me to get to the local hospital (where I bought my sperm). But they have all the time in the world (I don't). I believe I wrote about the previous visit. Well at least they were nice. I came back to a really horrid doctor. Two things they wanted were from and endocrinologist to say I'm balanced and a diagnostic hysteroscopy. Well as for the later, I made a mistake and had an HSG. Okay wrong test, but really is that a reason to delay?? And the endo. I gave the dr. a letter saying I am being monitored. I understand my TSH is too high and I don't expect to start treatment, but knowing I am being monitored can't we just put a treatment plan which I will start only when I'm balanced? I mean do I really need to come in again!?! But more than that, he was really horrible and rude to me. 

So I decided that I really do not have time to waste and went to this semi private hospital. Actually it's the same one where I had B done, but now they added a co-pay (or whatever it's called) which is per treatment (I thought it was a once only thing). Sucks but I think it's much better that the public hospital (oh, did I mention how hard it was getting them on the phone when I needed? So I've been this week to them. Avery nice doctor [I could go all private and choose what doctor to work with or I could do what I'm doing and be with whatever doctor who are all top doctors. This first appointment I scheduled to when this doctor who was highly recommend works]. What a difference! As for the hysterscopy, he explained that it's a better test and because I gave birth but didn't make a deal of it. And as for the TSH, only when I'm balanced we will start treatment (as I said, didn't expect otherwise) but we still built a plan. (shortish post!? I must be kidding!). I am now on CD1. In about a week I'll test my TSH levels. If we are a go (please please please, but probably too early) then I'll be cycling. If not, then next month might be a problem as they are on vacation on the week of succot (I think end of Sep.) but hopefully my cycle will correlate otherwise it might be only Oct when I can actually finally start cycling.

I have one frozen embie there so we'll start off with a FET. On one hand it will be totally weird if I do get pregnant with this embie as it is from the cycle previous to the one from which I have Butterfly. So who is the older child!? I am also quite pessimistic it will work because after all the best embryos which were transferred in that cycle did not succeed so why it? On the other hand I can't leave this potential life of mine hanging there for ever. And what if there is a child in it?

The good news about it being a FET is that it's a natural cycle ( I will only be getting a progesterone support) so I'll be okay with breastfeeding. Which by the way I was to tell or not to tell and decided not. I won't lie if asked, but I am not going to have things put off yet again when I've researched and believe that at her age I can still breastfeed.

Okay it's after 2 am. I think I'll join my daughter in slumberland. I hope (I think) I wrote it all. Goodnight!

 - 

Sweet & Sour

First, sorry for being such a terrible blogger.
Second, tonight was a really bad night putting Butterfly to sleep. It is rarely easy with her, but tonight (with no nap this afternoon, and being very tired after the swimming pool, and the heat, and a nervous mother who just wanted her daughter to fall asleep already, etc) it was really really difficult. I am exhausted but I want to write this so somewhere it will be recorded [you know, for B in the future...].

I'll start by mentioning how she got over this barrier of putting two words together, and now does it freely [last time I posted I felt a shift in the air. until then she was quite "stiff" with it]. And I think she is now beginning to realize that she can do three!! Anyway I was going all educational with her [something I try not to..] telling her how this and that animal breastfeeds (has tzitzi [=boob]), and then going on to tell he that the birdy doesn't have tzitzi. And she, learning her lesson says so cutely - no birdy tzitzi.
Okay, now all this introduction was more for the cuteness of it. Anyhow, right after saying no birdy tzitzi, she out of the blue said - 'no daddy' (not sure but I think even - 'no daddy A.nnie', A.nnie being the name she calls herself). I will admit that this is not the first time (maybe the third) and I don't know what and/or how much she understands. I think the first time she said it, I was mentioning her grandfather (my dad..). But it still makes your heart pinch a little.
And then there's the daddy song on the disc. About this kid saying how great his dad is [my dad has a ladder so high it reaches the sky, etc...]. Lots of discussions on the SMC board about whether or not to hear it or skip it and the feelings it causes. I agree with the consensus, saying it is a classic song and you can't keep the world out. My mother suggested changing it ti mummy. Well for start, while I am singing along, it is not me whose singing, and the words are the words.. But more than that, at some point both I and fatherless daughter have to deal with it. Better not starting with hiding behind and avoiding. But again, even through I sing along with a clear mind that I am not going to treat this song any way different, there is still that pinch in the heart. [that plus the song that ends in a side tone - 'so why when I sang him a song that he loves, he closed his eyes and fell asleep']

"A--m no dirty"

or was it - No A.dam dirty ?
[Ad.am being her new baby cousin whom Butterfly loves so much]
While it was prompted by me (I did say - Ada.m isn't dirty*) it was her doing, THREE words!!
Oh and yes, I'll probably tell you every little advancement we make in speech :-).

Just a short post, so let me add that I finally decided yes to go for the translation degree (if you remember back some time ago I was thinking about it, but then I put it aside as in maybe not such a good idea). Besides this difficult test you have to do to get into the program, I do fear I might have missed even the late registration. It does mean a very difficult two or three years but I do hope that in the long run it will give me opportunity for more income.

I have so many little projects, like a story about brushing teeth I'm writing for daughter (almost almost finished writing it, but have trouble finishing it off plus I would then need to find photos to go with it and get it printed) and looking for a suitable how I (as in daughter) came to be SMC + IVF book for kids and not finding anything I like, I am thinking about writing something myself, and being with Butterfly 24/7 and this translation gig, finishing the tabs for my blog, etc. I think I'll drop my - 'oh I'm going to spend my lazy summer learning how to knit' plan....








*I'm cutting short here but really nothing to do with the boy, more with my girl showing me her dirty hands and just saying dirty and me trying to get her to say more asking if A is dirty....

This Week

Oh I have so much to write about, and then my brain is empty and I can't so much remember all I wanted to write about...

 It's been a hard week because for start the summer holiday started which means much less work for me (hurrah to the pupils who still want lessons. July is still somewhat okay, August will be a disaster). Less work = less money, and yes I do put some money aside during the year for these two dreadful months, but it is still hard financially (oh and the heat and humidity!! [as in hard here too...]). And then this woman asked if I could help translate some things for her (paying me, of course). And on the bright side it is extra money (though I haven't heard from her yet. I am fearful it wasn't good in her eyes. I do hope it was because not only would it be a shame not to get paid, but I would also like to get future jobs from her). But boy, is it hard to work with a toddler around! How do mothers to little ones work at home?? I survived this week, and as I've mentioned, I am thirsty for more work, but it isn't easy.

 Today we were walking home and she says - bye mummy (in the hot sun. she is such a comedian :-)). And it's not so much what she said more that I feel it's coming. The other day she said something (I think - more up) and I could "hear" her thoughts the way she was stressing that this was one word and now it's a new one that she is beginning to understand that she can put two words together, whatever two words!

And this evening I had this strange/funny conversation with these two eight year old boys. These are two sweet boys (sweet is an addition from today :-)) I often see playing with their friends at this playground I love going to. They came up to me the other day (the day it suddenly dawned on me, earlier, that they are twins and not just best friends lol) to tell me my daughter is cute. And today they asked me if they can play with Butterfly. Now isn't that double sweet - first for wanting to play with her and then for asking my permission? :-) Anyway I started talking with them and then a father question came up (in the likes of Does her father also speak to her in English..) to which I told them she doesn't have one. They kind of found it hard to understand. So I'm sitting there on the sand with them, two eight year old boys, and how and what do I say to them? I decided that in my daughter's best interest, I do tell them. Not for now, but for the future. For practicing what to say and for practicing flowing with it. Okay I won't go into the whole conversation only a few tidbits, like after [it seemed!] they understood sperm meets egg in hospital [technically Butterfly is from IVF, but I didn't go into that with them] they asked me if that's how their parents had made them..And donor was too hard to understand so I went with a nice guy and the hospital. And then he (other twin wasn't around) couldn't understand how the sperm got into my body. When he finally grasped he pointed down between his legs - oh you mean from there! lol (I thought he was having trouble understanding a syringe... And the twin #2 came back and wanted to understand and twin #1 explained and it was mostly okay, except when twin #2 didn't understand what egg and sperm are and twin #1 whispered in his ear (because it's too embarrassing to say aloud, only I am not sure what term they used but understand they thought - penis and vagina. you know what, okay.....
Later when I saw my sister I mentioned very briefly this conversation. She said I shouldn't have had such a talk with them as I don't know how and what their parents told them/ want them to know. Writing the above,   I probably do have to find some kind of easier way to explain why Butterfly doesn't have a father. But like I said above, for Butterfly's sake (and for mine :-)) I do think that when asked (and if I feel it's appropriate. if I feel it's a nosy person for example, then none of their business. But kids wanting to understand.. that's fine by me) I should tell. How and what is something I obviously need to work on..


Happy belated Canada Day and American Independence Day and futuristic Happy Bastille Day !!!!
(if there is any other nation celebrating an important day, then happy day to you too!)


P.S
I then had a hard time explaining my daughter's peddle-less bike. (no, it's not the one where a parent holds this long bar behind and pushes, and no it's not a tricycle etc etc. I am to bring a picture of the bike for them to see). So maybe it wasn't just the sex no sex talk..
And speaking of the bike, a few of you asked for pictures of her riding it. Well they are too big for her, but they are parked where she has access and almost everyday she goes and takes them for a little walk in the house. Sometimes (though less often which is okay as I want her to befriend the bike and not feel like it's her enemy) sitting on it. I hope she grows tall enough soon and is able to actually ride them!!

P.P.S
I am very late on previous month's assignment, Of course it's now July's. And yes, I really should change that ticker!

The Birthday Party

What I really wanted to call this post? Phew! (it's over, I can now breathe again.. [you know, buying and making and cooking and organizing and all])

An additional possible alternative title after trying for too long to put a very excited little girl so sleep is  Finally! 

Before I go on and tell you what a rookie mummy I am (but also how people told me it was a great and well organized party, as I said above, phew..) let me tell you about her new two word sentence. Well the nanny (V) taught Butterfly to say - toda (thank you) V. I don't consider that two words as it is not from her own initiative. But then the other day she said to me - toda mummy. Which is so sweet and lovely. And yes, that is hers and a new two word for daughter :-). And then yesterday we were driving in the car and she was saying (with our "help") thank you to this person and that, and I suggested her name so she went toda A.nnie [her second name and how she calls herself] and since we laughed because it was too funny, she went on and on :-).

But the party you are saying....

Well rookie mum me forgot to give the first set of kids (brothers) that left  the little goodie bag (a custom here for the party child to give out, as children leave, a little surprise bag, usually filled with sweets and maybe a little toy [but I had some bubble bath, bubbles and a little toy]). [but hey, better from last year where I didn't even prepare such bags].

I also forgot to pick her up on the chair (another custom - birthday child is picked up the amount of age s/he is plus one for next year) and well kind of remembered at the last minute.

I was also a bit awkward about how and when to do things. At one point my mother was pushing to bring out the cake. I wasn't keen as it is a sign that the party is almost over (and it was, imo, still early).

But you know, the cake, as in blowing out the candles.. While I practiced with Butterfly earlier in the day [with me at first holding the candle and her moving back just as she tries to blow it out, then letting her hold the burning candle and blowing it. yes, success. And then me sticking candles on the floor and asking her to blow them out. no success] didn't think we'll succeed in the party. Well she did!!

Yes, three candles. One for next year...

And oh cake #2, can you play guess where the chocolate was? I prouded myself with a no chocolate (and no usual party junk food) in the party. It's an orange-carrot cake, with a topping of a vanilla cream and fruit on top. Okay, back half a sentence. Vanilla cream and chocolate (chips) that is. Well I made the cream with a packed of vanilla pudding. Only when I was about to make the topping, on a very hot Friday morning when I have done enough shopping (only that morning went to get last minute milk and coffee, oh and Friday - that means shops are only open till about noon) did I see it contained chocolate chips (didn't see that when I bought it). Oh well.. There were also the mosquitoes, which however much I tried battling them, were still awful!! And the pretty necklace Butterfly didn't want to wear (because holy shmoly I tried taking off her amber necklace to put the other one on. this amber necklace has been round her neck since she was about 4 months, never [except once in the past and now] taken off since she was 5 months old.)

The party theme was bubbles. Originally I had a few ideas. around the subject, in addition to just blowing bubbles but I think they would have been mostly above my child's head at two. Maybe in the future... Anyway, I filled a big tub with bubble liquid I've made, had some wands and some bought bubbles, and the kids had a nice time blowing them. (Except one poor little girl whom I shall not name except tell you she is now sleeping in the other room with her party dress on,who got the solution in her eye and we kept rinsing it but she kept putting her soaped hand to it..) But all in all, it was a great party. There was plenty of food (I was a bit afraid there won't be enough), good atmosphere and most important, I think Butterfly had a great time!!

story behind pic: cleaning up after the party, we saw her sitting on the step ladder with this cheeky grin of hers (the one saying I'm doing something not allowed..), well coming closer, we saw a hole in the cake. So of course the camera had to come out....

!! TWO !!

Did you realize that my daughter has just doubled her life, going from 1 to 2? LOL. Scheduling this post as I want to dedicate the day for her :-).

Two. How amazing is that? I mean only yesterday you were born. But then I look at pictures of you when you were a baby, and oh my! that was a long long time ago! Surly more than two :-).

You are a very very clever girl, amaze me how quick you pick up things. You have a very clear idea of how things should be done. More so, who should be doing it. For example, when the nanny comes while I'm trying to dress you, it is now nanny's turn and only she may dress you! And I am told that in their house if one says that s/he's going to feed you or take you for a walk or whatever, then you will only allow that person to do so!

You are very curious about the world around you. Experimenting the WHOLE TIME. And you are very adventurous but also careful. But well, you are also very mischievous, Dennis the Menace :)). And that grin of yours when you're doing something "naughty" :-). Socialization is also beginning to be more important in your life, and you love watching other kids play and copying them. The other day you learned to spin round and round by watching another kid do so, and you are like to practice. You also love running around an object in circles, you just run and run and run :-).

You also most certainly have a mind of your own. But dear girl, you have always had one, so.. hmmm.. why the terrible twos?? You will pull me or my shirt if you want something/want me to come, and I will add that you are very strong, and that not always it is possible (or I don't always want) to give you what you want.But you understand pretty quick that I am more stubborn head that you, lol.

You are very generous, you will take out two plums from the bag (for example) and hand one to me (but then you don't really like if I decide not to eat it. lol..). You really love your cousin A [and today you finally pronounced his name fully to the end!] and love helping Savta* take care of him. And you are so not jealous when I help Savta take car of him. You will be a great big sister one day!!

Brushing teeth is still something you hate. Not sure to say if we are making progress or not but I found something that (mostly, ouch when it doesn't!) works for me. I take one of your socks, wet it and put a bit of toothpaste on the tip. Now comes the tricky part - trying to hold you down while keeping the toothpaste on the sock. And yes, even with this method I have to hold you down :-(. Anyway I then rub your teeth while you cry/try and protest. Luckily you don't usually try and bite me.. [I am also trying to write a little personalized book for you so you understand the importance]

You are still very much behind on your talking [we haven't really had another two word phrase since that more ze a month ago (that is you say more ze all the time, and sometimes, though quite rarely, more something else but nothing more)]. Anyway, it will come. I am sure :-).

*Butterfly's grandmother who sometimes takes care of the baby while sister does this or that. 

P.S

Blogger - I am starting to like, even very like, the new you (well at least with writing posts with pictures and all, so much easier!)

P.P.S

The green in the pictures - sometime ago I played around with my camera, trying to learn, and well I'm not sure what I did.