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Sunday, 26 July 2009

Have this game I like to play on the computer with background music (all sorts of classicals). Best is to have it loud (really loud) and let the tears just run. And the best of all is the wedding march (or however it's called, you know the classic wedding song) because it is louder than most of the others and well, a wedding song need a single girl like me elaborate?

I think I just flipped it. This IVF thing seems so impossible, how am I supposed to do things?? All the around and stuff, just not for me. For example tried calling IVF place to tell them it's a negative. Can't reach them. Couldn't reach them also before and it is so damn annoying. And I know I'm not the only one, on one of the times I had to go there, there was someone there who said she just came to see what's happening as she can't reach them. Well, not an option for me, I can't just go over to see if they're in. And the not knowing how many cells my embryos were and how many (if) of the embryos were result of ICSI and how many not. I mean that is something I think would be important to know for next cycle, if to do ICSI again or not. [somehow writing is getting me calmer..]. And then do I make an appointment with the dr. or do I wait for my period, and when is it supposed to come?? Phoned the doctor. His secretary had appointments available only next week. I don't know, I do not want to miss next cycle. Maybe I don't need to rush as it will take period some time to show, I don't know, haven't done IVF before. So she wrote me down for a midnight appointment. Yay for that. Yes I am being cynical. Will have to spend the night at my sister's.

And then there was this family gathering today. I so didn't need it. I usually at one point or another need a break and go off, this time I was more away than present. Just couldn't handle all the familiness. And my mother, errrrr. I am sitting eating. There are other people all around, but she - Billy, Billy, bring a chair for [the not yet one year old who was standing holding on to her cousin's pram. I really don't know what was so urgent to bring her a chair and not that it would be useful for her]. While she was calling, I was looking at my brother's wife who has the same name as me, maybe she is referring to her. Well second Billy was in the middle of a conversation and was not even flinching. So my mother carries on - Billy, Billy..... There are all these people around, yes, even the girl's mother and I am eating, and yet I am supposed to bring her a chair.* I just got a negative, there is a limit how much I want to be around the little ones. And yes, I would have been angry too on normal situation, but this was really over the top for me. And then later after I've gone and come back, she just sees me and straight away tells me to do whatever with two year old niece, and I just flipped it. I have a big family, and yes there are quite a few babies and little kids, and I love them, and that two year old.. she is a darling. But damn it, right now I want to mourn my not becoming a mother for yet another cycle, not be auntie Billy.

* In the name of correctness, it seems the chair was for the three year old girl (which does make more sense!) and not for the 10 months old.. Oh but should I mention that the girl's mother was my sister in law, the one with the same name as mine? The one who didn't flinch when the name Billy was called out as it was an assignment call, even if for her own daughter? [but that's for another day and another post, if at all]

Just went to sleep (and well, I better not post the time of this edit...), and guess who came knocking at my door? (hint: nobody at this time would be knocking on a real door). So I guess I now have an answer to my question (I thought the progesterone might delay it). Though I must say it's strange as just a few hours ago I started feeling it is about to come, which usually means a day or two. And actually to my horror I was lucky to find one last pad (I do have some tampons but I really don't like sleeping with them).

But now I am really doubting doing another IVF this month. I will say that as I am new to this, I really don't know if one starts an IVF right after the previous one, or not or what, but I do know that I hate the thought of not cycling, of sitting out and missing the chance to become a mother. Yes, it's probably only one month and what is one month one might ask. A lifetime would be my reply, 30 days of not even trying to create baby, or 720 hours or 2,592,000 seconds.
Doubting as I made an appointment with doctor for Wednesday night, and I suppose it will be O.K to start stims on CD4. But I would probably also have to have a day 2 (ha ha, a bit late for that..) u/s which means going to the IVF place and getting a referral for that (or even doing it there), but alas - I would have to be approved again for IVF! Which was quick but can't be that quick. So maybe I am not supposed to cycle right after previous cycle? I wish I had a manual for such things.. Anyway, as I am now seeing that doing a cycle now is not really a possibility, I think I will call doctor tomorrow and reschedule that appointment!
And yes, the pity party that took place earlier today is over and out :-).


battynurse said...

First I was going to mention that usually it takes a couple of days after stopping the progesterone support for AF to show but I guess you figured that one out.
Some people do move right on the next cycle, I never did but then I don't have coverage for it so the financial aspect is a big one. That does really sound difficult dealing with the clinic so far away and if they don't call you back. And you seriously have an appointment at midnight???????? Really?? Yeah over here it's pretty much a 9-5 thing although if your doing IVF they will come in on Sat or Sun for scans or retrieval or transfer as needed. Sometimes they will come in on weekends for the IUI, depends on the doc.

battynurse said...

Oh I forgot to say that I'm sorry it's so difficult for you to figure out what you need to do when you're getting so little direction from your doctors office.

Lisa Marsh said...

Hi Billy,
Before you make any decisions, perhaps you might want to change doctors. Distance to travel to and from appts. is sometimes not as important as how positive you feel about your IVF process. You need to trust their efficiency, "customer" service, flexibility, etc. I thought this article (I am a guest blogger for Access Diagnostics (AdTuk: its Twitter name) might help: http://tinyurl.com/trustyrfertilitydr
Please don't despair about being 39. Would you consider going for some alternative therapy, such as accupuncture, yoga, cranial osteopathy, chiropracty or massage therapy, either before or in tandem with another cycle? They might be worth exploring. Just make sure to ask how much of their work is fertility-related and even get a patient-reference.
Let's stay in touch. Lisa

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say sorry the last cycle was not a success. I hope you find success very, very soon.

Dora said...

Oh, Billy! I'm so sorry. Regarding cycling again right away or waiting out a cycle, I can tell you that most of the top clinics in the US prefer their patients to take a cycle off between IVF cycles. Although they often will not wait when the woman is older, but I think that's usually over 40.

I know it's hard right now, but your chances of success with IVF at 39 are still very good. Often a first unsuccessful IVF cycle gives the dr a lot of information about what to do differently the second time. Changing meds, dosage, when to trigger and retrieve, ICSI, assisted hatching, etc.

Hang in there. You're very strong. You've gotten through all this!

Billy said...


I've come to understand that doing another cycle right now is quite an impossibility, as I
- have to see dr, who will give me papers for an approval (earliest appointment was midnight Wed)
- next day with papers go to branch and get approved [hopefully it won't take them more then a day]
- Now (well next day most likely) go to IVF place and get referrals for blood and u/s

Too much rush rush and stress and all. And as I am already on CD1, I think it might not be such a good idea.
So I rescheduled my appointment with the doctor to a later date and a much more normal time, and will begin IVF#2 at a calmer pace.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I don't have any words of wisdom about moving on to a new IVF cycle, but I understand the frustration and sadness. I hope it gets better soon...


Petrucia said...

i'm sorry you had to go though this whole family and babies deal right on your BFN.
it totally sucks.
it seems weird that your clinic doesn't really call you back. Maybe you can use this month to seek a different one if that is an option for you?
Don't overstress yourself because you have to wait a little to cycle again. All the fertilty drugs are a bit much to our bodies, and it's good to allow yours to have a normal cycle before trying again. Also, it's better to have a few days to realign, replenish your emotional reserves, intead of charging right ahead.

hope4joy said...

I am sorry your last cycle didn't work. I wish you luck in your next cycle.

Meg. said...

Billy ~

Thank you for stopping by my blog during ICLW! I had intended on catching up with you sooner...but experienced an unexpected tragedy of my own.

I'm so sorry for your negative, and sorry that you're experiencing so much sadness, anger, stress and confusion right now. I sincerely hope that your next cycle results in a precious baby(ies?).

Also, completely unrelated, but my dear Grandma's name is Billy. =) Until your blog, I had not known of anyone else, living, with that name. My Grandma's actual name is Wilderene (old school!).

Wishing 4 One said...

Hey Billy, so sorry this first IVF cycle didn't work out for you. I know how frustrating this part of the world can be when it comes to communication and appointments sometimes, just hang in there, be persistent and don't take no for an answer. You are in my thoughts and I agree with starting your next try when things calm down a bit, its better that way. Hugs xoxoxoxox