Long time no talk about my messy house :-) It is in waves where it gets better and worse, but somehow even when in the best of the betters, never really clean and tidy, not a place I could invite people over to or (shhhh) raise a child. No, a lot of work needs to be done here. But I am so unable to. I just feel so energyless about it (actually I don't know when I lost my energy [not that I ever was so full of it] but I am quite energyless in general in life and specifically in the cleaning and tiding of my house). And lazy too, very lazy. Could blame how hot it is here (here as in Israel but also as in my house which is really hot and add to that no air-conditioning), but I know it's just an excuse, that even if the weather was brilliant, that I wouldn't have done much on the home front. I know I should do something small every day, not putting too much work and effort but slowly slowly get things going. It does work when I'm up to it. But lately - can't even that.
But I think there's more to it than just lack of energy. I do believe I am putting off working on my house until I actually have a child, or at least am pregnant. Like having a nice clean house just for me isn't good enough, I need something beyond that to get going. So much like what both Battynurse and Becoming Whole wrote recently, I am not living the here and now but some kind of hopeful future. When I'll be pregnant I'll work on my house. Not now - now is just an insignificant measure of waiting time between the present and the desired future.
And maybe this putting off, especially now, is because of me still not believing I will ever be pregnant or have my own baby? Yes, on one hand I feel very positive about this cycle,but on the other hand still can't see it happening.
According to the nurse, retrieval (transfer? I think I am now bit confused as to what is what, anyway the one where the eggs are harvested) will probably be Fri or Sat, I hope more towards Sat-Sun.