Tuesday

I just had an argument with my mother. As I wrote the other day, I am having trouble Tuesday morning leaving Butterfly with Y. I didn't mention in previous post how Y told me that her husband doesn't really like me being there in the morning as it interferes with the intimacy of their morning (walking around in you jammies etc) and I do get it how an adult in your house can do that (it is not B that bothers him). But it takes time for a child to feel confident and to let her mother go. Hindsight is 20-20 but I should have come with Butterfly to Y a few times before the year begun perhaps also leaving her there for an hour or two, to get used to the idea of being under Y's charge.
Back to my mum. I asked her if she could take Butterfly over as it might the separation might be easier than my mum than from me (and I think I've mentioned but my mum is free Tue morning. and I'm not asking for the whole year, just for a few weeks until B gets used to being with Y). And I do understand it is a bit of an inconvenience. So I mention the trouble I had last Tues morning and ask her to help take B over. She answers with what will happen if she refuses. I say it will be problematic for me. She tells me not to put pressure on her (!) That I could easily send her two days to kindergarten [kindergarten here is what we have before the age of school]. So I am not allowed to put pressure on her but she can pressure me?? And no, I was not putting pressure on her. I am your daughter. I need your help. I really need your help. I asked for your help. Your help has nothing to do with whether your granddaughter goes to kindergarten or not, because by hook or by cook she won't. She then comes up to me saying I am doing this on purpose. ???. I am doing what I as a mother believe is the my daughter's best interest. It is just sad that I come to her asking for help and she won't help me thinking that she by not helping she will twist my arm into sending B to kindergarten. This reminds me of another story from when D, her eldest granddaughter was about 15 and my mother got some hair-removing cream and none of us (her daughter's)  wanted it and we all told her D would be happy to have it and my mother said no as she disapproves of hair removing and as long as D isn't an adult, she won't do anything to help D with hair removing. Except do you really think D cared? Do you think she didn't remove the hairs on her leg? Of course she did. My mother's protest had no effect. Just a silly little protest. Then it really was meaningless if she gave D the ointment or not. Now her help is just a little bit more needed. I just have to pray and hope it goes well and hope the lecturer (I have a few lessons, all with the same lecturer..) misses quite a lot of lessons (rumor has it she does).

tired

I am so tired, I just pushed aside my big pile of assignments to write this post.. Well i don't have time to breathe so I will never get to post and I do want to (though don't count on me remembering what I came here to post!)

Twice a week I take Butterfly to the homeschooling group. On Thurs it is relatively close and no problem getting there. In fact this is the one I took her to last year. The Sunday one, oh that's a different story! It is quite a schlep and coming back was awful with all the traffic as it was rush hour [though I'd rather stay longer and let her have more good time than leave earlier. Later I can't as I am also teaching and need to be back by a certain hour. Maybe bringing with me something she can eat on the bus, might help).
But socialization is starting to be important and most of the other kids meet daily or almost daily. She still mostly stays a lot with me, but she does go from time to time to play with them, and more importantly, the group of kids her age do know her and know her name! So if they know who she is, I guess it is a good sign we are getting there.

There is a third day in which I want her to be with the group, although this time without me. I am studying twice a week, but financially it is too difficult paying two days for a nanny without having any income. Someone from the homeschooling group offered to help me as a barter (I will do some translation job for her). First week was okay, though as expected she did cry when I left. First report this woman mentioned how B cried a little. Today, when mentioning that event she said how difficult it was :-(. The following week her son (a 4.5 yrs kid) was just recovering from an illness and was showing us the door - You.. Leave! and then he was okay but she wasn't. Eventually I had to take her with me. The lecturer was very nice about having B in her class, but it really hard making sure she doesn't make much noise. I have never wanted a lesson to end as bad as I wanted the other day! I then took her to my sister, who kindly agreed to help. But taking her to the lesson and or my sister is not an option. Taking her to the nanny is a very bad option. And right now she will not go to this other woman, which I understand because it takes time to get adjusted to new procedures. I am just so stressed about Tuesday!

But on a positive note, I would like to say that while we do have our difficult moments, on the whole I feel we are doing better than just  a short while ago, that if you remember I complained about how difficult it was. I also feel like she gave some kind of metal leap. Tonight I was putting her 5 yrs. cousin to sleep with a book the cousin chose which of course was above B's level. But then she asked me a question that clearly indicated she understood. I didn't think she did.
And then she has these questions. Almost every day she asks me: "mummy, is today tomorrow?" I do understand she is trying to understand the concept of time, but how do you answer such a question?? (I tell her that actually tomorrow never comes as it is always today).
A more difficult question she had the other day when looking at her hair and asking why it was that colour (not like my hair colour). I kind of gave a genetic explanation and how she has some of my genes and some from the donor, but I think I jumped a bit with this talk. I probably should have kept it much more simpler.

I would like to end with a cousin story. First a bit of background - while my three year old is very independent, this 5 year old (the same girl from before :-) ) is v-e-r-y clingy to her mother. As cousin's parents went for the week, we are helping out look after her and her brother. Oh, and among the instructions the mother gave, one was to keep an eye on them (when outdoors) as they are not used to being too far from her. Anyway the other day we went to this very big playground. I swung the two girls on a spider swing, but then B had enough and she wondered off. I am okay with that, I am not hysterical (my mother is..) plus I did actually follow her with my eyes and knew where she was. For that reason and because my sister specifically requested not to leave her when going places, I stayed with the cousin. Cousin then asks me if my daughter doesn't want to be around me. I was quite puzzled why she thinks my daughter doesn't want to be around me. Cousin continues asking if my daughter doesn't love me. Me again not understanding she continues - because she went so far away from you. Oh my! No, she did not go far away from me. She went to some far away thing. But this is obviously how the 5 yr views things. And her mother travels (work related) a lot!

Strawberry Shortcake

Earlier today I was asking Butterfly if she wanted to draw Strawberry Shortcake (currently her favourite thing to watch!). I was expecting some kind of scribble. So she started drawing while I was doing other things. She says out loud - here's the head. I look, and yes a circle. Okay, she does know how to draw circles. She then continues to pull lines from the head announcing they are the legs. My mouth opened but I was sure it was just plain coincidence. Can't be she's drawing. Well she was drawing, telling me how she's drawing hands and eyes and mouth. This is her first ever picture of a person!! I also think her first picture with an intention before and not just telling me what it is after seeing the outcome [though not sure if actually the first as earlier she was drawing hearts. I didn't see her draw, so I am not sure if she first drew something and looked at it and told me it was a heart or actually intended on drawing a heart, but for sure the first person drawing].

I was so teary eyed. Only earlier today I was thinking when will my child draw actual pictures and here she is - drawing. I had tears in my throat all day, so much that she asked me why am I talking funny.

And really lately she amazes me all the time with the things she does or says,  Small things like taking her shirts off from the head (new from yesterday. up till now she would pull her hands out and push the shirt down her body. this doesn't always work.. it is still not easy through the head and she still needs help, but she has learnt that this is the way it is done). Small but big :-). Really feels like she is in a developmental leap (maybe that's why it is also a difficult time for us?)

Oh, I should add that looking at the picture she says to me - "actually it looks like Humpty Dumpty". So humpty dumpty or strawberry shortcake, this is my daughter's first "real" picture!

P.S

The background.. Butterfly somehow has always preferred to draw on the side that has something on than on the empty side :-). 

house

I love reading all these arts & crafts blogs with great idea for kids. The other day Butterfly and I made chocolate playdough from one of these blogs and it came out great! [I also loved how we got brown without food colouring. On Tuesday my niece and nephew will be here so I want to try doing purple, blue and orange playdough]. Not only the colour, but it also smells like chocolate cake :-) [was warned that the purple (made from red cabbage) stinks after a day or so. we'll see..]

Well, I'd like to show you something little we did :-). Reading at another blog, I saw an idea of taking a big cardboard and making it into a house by cutting and sliding. Loved it, so now I was on the lookout for a big piece of cardboard. Well I found this big box of an air-conditioner (in fact there were two such boxes, but by the time we came back for the second box, it was already squashed with something heavy that was put on it). It was not easy carrying it home, but well, what doesn't one do so her child can have a play house? ha ha. Anyway was going to go by instructions, but then Butterfly went under/inside and I saw that it just needs a little shaping to become a house. So I made a roof and cut a window and a door, and then we got to the job of painting it. Will admit that most of the "work" is mine, somehow Butterfly who usually LOVES painting, didn't fancy to paint much. Will also mention that there is no theme or logic or point to the painting, only to get the house all covered in paint [which we didn't succeed before running out of paint lol].

So here it is:

On to another subject..

Recently I bought the Family Book, but will admit that was a little disappointed. SMC is mentioned as - some families have only one parent (or something like that, the book is not in front of me now). I think I was expecting the word "mummy" mentioned (maybe something like - some families there is only a mummy or only a daddy). Maybe it bothers me because she doesn't know the word "parent" (I read to her as I wrote). Anyway I decided to by this e-book called Before You Were Born. It is a book I encountered before but didn't like because she uses the term cell instead of sperm and egg. I want the real terms used. The plus side is that it is [the one I chose, she has different versions] is SMC + IVF. I am going to print it so we have a hard copy (unfortunately the don't have hard copies for sale) to read (will also try and change the words I don't like..).

Anyway, so I've been reading Butterfly this story quiet a lot, and many more times she asks me to "tell me about before I was born". I love telling her, love that she wants to know, love these intimate moments between us. Well today we were playing that she is my mummy and I was lying with my head on her knees, so I asked her to tell me about before I was born. To my surprise, she did quite a good job telling me the story [until she got stuck..]. It was not intended, but it was great to hear from her, what she hears and understands.. [unfortunately we were out at the playground and I had no means of recording what she said, would have loved to have her version in writing..]

We are three and a quarter. When does it get better???

As evident from previous post, Butterfly goes to sleep late. Very late. A cycle I don't seem able to stop. I know there are other factors like the fact that we are very much out of routine or that I am feeling very anxious as I don't yet know how and what with my studies. And yes, she is in a difficult age. Take for example today, we were on our way home when she said she wanted to eat. I said okay, when we get home. But she carried on whining about wanting to eat. I do know and understand that kid's logic is not the same as adults and while I understand that if there is no food on us, the best thing is to get home as quick as possible and no point to whine about it. She obviously doesn't yet get that, so she goes on and on. Grrrr. We then passed a small playground. She wanted to go and play. I didn't mind stopping at the playground (but didn't have too much time to spare), so I let her play (of course she forgot she was hungry..). I then decided we had to go. And boy did she cry and whine, riding her balance bike crying how she doesn't want to go home. And I just couldn't stand it anymore. I am so fed up with this whining of hers, I n ever thought it would get up my nerves as it does.  So I snapped at her to stop it, and talked angrily to her and shouted at her, but of course all that didn't help, so I just put my hands on my ears as I really couldn't take it any longer. Next she was asking for a hug and stopped her whining. Not proud of my self, and do not want to use this as a method to quite her, but at least for the moment it worked..
Later she whined because she wanted me to ride my bike with her on the pavement and then because we forgot her bottle and she can't drink from the drinking fountain and then on and on because this or that. And I know it a snowball as I am cross and angry at her which not only does not help, it even makes matters worse and then she goes to sleep late and a new horrible day begins.

On the bright side I want to tell you about the other day. I did something, not sure if it was the right thing to do - I forcefully took something away from her. I do not like to use force on her, as it is not fair as I am the stronger one being the adult. Anyway I digress as this is not the point. The point is that she got angry with me and, as my sister who witnessed told me later, Butterfly was kicking the sofa while hugging me (I had a vague notion about the kicking of the sofa..). My sister was amazed as she said her kids would either try and hit her or want to get away from her. My daughter hugs me. I do love that she feels the need to hug me when I'm cross with her and I don't want her to stop that habit, so I always return that hug, but can be rather difficult when you have angry feelings...

Another kind of funny thing - she has picked up these annoying habits like being often tired of walking/riding when we go places, telling me it is very far away. This is not the funny part, it is annoying! Before her cousins came with us in the summer holiday on the bus and the walk to the bus, complaining about how long it takes, Butterfly was fine with the walk and with the bus drive. Anyway today  these cousins were fighting and telling each other I hate you, and their mother was complaining that this is something new they had learnt from their other cousins (from their father's side) with whom they spent the summer. It was kind of funny as probably the mother of those kids is complaining about X Y and Z who have spoiled her kids as the have never before ......  and so on and so on. My daughter has probably spoiled it (or will) for another mother..

Oh well, three more months to go! [I have no idea if this gets better at three and a half, but I am going to tell myself that it will!!]

it's 23:30 now

no sign of Butterfly going to sleep anytime soon. We did try before but it was obvious a no-go so we stopped that attempt. If this was a one time thing I would say annoying but happens. If she slept this afternoon [she was with the nanny and says she hasn't slept] I would have said very annoying but oh well.. But she lately goes to sleep very late with last week being the worst - two nights ago was the "highlight" when she went to sleep after 1:00 am. We woke up relatively early and were both cranky and tired all day. She did go to sleep that night nice and early (19:30!) and had a nice long sleep, and I thought that was the end of that.
So now I am just venting while she is sitting on the floor next to me. I know it may be because we currently don't have a schedule [I still haven't started studying and not yet fully scheduled with my pupils and it is a holiday right now]. I also don't dictate for her when to go to sleep, I let her tell me when she wants to. She is now lying on the floor. She did once lie on the floor and then suddenly fall asleep so I am hoping. So I am now just waiting for some non mummy time.

EDT: 4 minutes after midnight. She is finally asleep. big sigh of relief.

ovulating

No, not ttc related news, but since I am ovulating (and feeling it) I thought I'd talk a bit more about baby making with Butterfly. So I explained how I am ovulating which means an egg inside me [telling her it's not an egg we eat blah blah] is waiting for a sperm. Carrying on and telling her how eggs are from mummies and sperms from daddies and how since I didn't have a daddy for her I went to a special place where daddies let mummies have eggs. And ohhhh, no, not pleased with my explanation! Can we do rewind?* Okay it's more or less the first time trying to explain sperm bank to her [I did work on explaining it all to her when she was a baby so that it would be easier for me today, so I'll know what to say and have the words and all. While obviously I still need to find out how and what to say, so practicing didn't help me in that aspect, it did help me with being able to talk to her about it and not waiting for this to come from her and then embarrassingly trying to say something]. Anyway not pleased with all that daddy part. The guy who donated the sperm which helped made my daughter, as much as I am so very grateful for his wonderful gift, is not her daddy or ever will be. He is a donor, a sperm donor.
But it was nice talking to her about it, with her asking me to "tell me more" when I stopped.
Later in the day, when I mentioned "egg", she asked me if it was an egg for eating or an egg for babies ..

Speaking of daddies, we just came back from a lovely little holiday with ALL the family (that would be 2 parents, their 6 grown-up children (and 3 spouses) and 13 grandchildren (and a half if we count the pregnant sis), celebrating my father's 80th birthday. It really was great having Butterfly around all her cousins! We also went on a little trek which would be B's first! Wasn't so easy, as it was in the water and with slippery rocks but she did great! [I wish I could go on more such treks but unfortunately not really a possibility without driving, needing public transport]

Okay to end on a happy note will tell you how we made Shana Tova greeting cards (with a plan to send them before we left for our little holiday. yes, planned.. So people will get them a bit after the New Year... lo nora as my daughter says [(colloquial) it doesn't matter]). Today we went to the post to send them. Before going she asked about her one. Oops! Didn't think about that! So we quickly did a card for Butterfly :-).And with this, let me say Shana Tova to all who will be celebrating the Jewish New Year!Oh, pink.. a few days ago someone asked my daughter what was her favourite colour. As she didn't know what that means (she doesn't know the word favourite), it was explained the person (can't remember who it was..) wants to know what colour she likes the most. So now I hear again and again that "My faourite is pink and purple" :-).


* I do know this is just the beginning and inforrmation has not sank in and I will have plenty of opportunities to try again and again until I am pleased with what I say :-).

Numbers

Before I get to my post, let me say a word or two about "followers". As I was entering the dashboard in order to write this post, my eye happened to notice my followers. 39 of you! I know last time I've checked there were about 28 (but I really don't look at this, so it probably was some years ago..). I am especially at owe with the fact that people are following me as I myself do not follow anyone (that is not how I read blogs) and don't have a "follow me" button, so I have no idea how they do it, lol. But hey, thank-you for taking the time and the effort to follow me!

And now - numbers. If I did do tags, I would have tagged this under homeschooling unschooling (but I don't bother with tags..). It was just a wow and I had to record it :-)

If you remember, I do not actively teach my daughter letters and/or numbers. Well yesterday we were playing phoning each other with my old phone and I was pressing numbers while saying them aloud (I'm dialing two two three ..... ). Nothing interesting to report about that, just might be the background for today.

Yesterday we also got from the post a new calender for the coming year (our year starts around Sep), the type that you hang, with big squares and numbers in them. I was looking at it, looking at this year's theme [every year they send a calender as a little gift and every year they have a different theme]. I was also thinking to myself if the pictures are any worth cutting out and doing some art project with her (nope..), and that was it about the calender.
So today Butterfly sees the calender and asks me where 70 is (told her there is no 70, but here, this is a 7). I can tell you I was so amazed she even knew these were numbers because really, beyond yesterday with the phone, I do not do numbers.  So she asked me a few times where's the seven and where's the eight, scribbling each time on the square. Oh a bit off topic - did I tell you how sometimes she tells me she's writing (usually my name) and them goes on to scribble something?
And then she went with my mother to a library. Not the library we go to, but a new one to us in a nearby town. Anyway I was told that outside the library there is a very big picture of squares on the floor with numbers letters and my daughter went unprompted to the box with the 7 on it and told my mother it was 7. [she then did the same with number 1, but I think you will agree with me that for someone new to reading numbers, it might look quite the same].
This just proves to me that she is eager to learn and she will learn even if I do not directly teach her, and that I am doing right with her :-).

P.S
My lucky number has always been 7!

bullets..

I've got all these posts semi written and never posted. Oh, but posts written in my head (even if complete..) are not good enough for the blogsphere to read!! Oh well.. So bullets (see what I remember)

• "But you are my mummy". Isn't that the sweetest argument why I should do this or that and not someone else? :-). Kind of annoying as why can't another person do this or that for you but then wow yes, I am your mummy and it is MY job to do this or that for you.

• I am sure I said this before, but with the above I have to say that as much as I know I'm Butterfly's mother, I still find it hard to believe. And she is so not what I though she would be, oh no she is absolutely not! But she is by far better than anything I could have imagined! All my life I had been around kids who I cared for and who loved me, but when they drew a picture.. it was always for their mum (unless told otherwise by their mothers!). Maybe it is that she in now more drawing scribbling and telling me it's for me.. or in general her wanting to be with me.

• I think I am beginning to get the hang of Feedly and I even think I am beginning to like it :-). Though I will admit that while with google reader I would always go and read the post from the blog itself, I have gotten here into the habit of reading the posts from the reader itself!

• Sunday we adults are going to celebrate my father's 80th ! birthday. That will be the first time I will be leaving Butterfly with a babysitter. (the nanny or one of her daughters [hopefully as I haven't yet contacted them]. not including the two or three times I left her with my mother to "go out"). I am not happy about this, but what can I do.... [p.s does this say something about my poor social life?]

• T42. I am trying to get back on the wagon. Want to go back to place number 1 where they (well one doctor but that is enough) horrid to me but where I won't have to pay beyond the sperm vial and the meds, but have to complete all the tests and more. I was getting in the groove of well, it is not meant to be and I am so lucky that I do have a daughter. But then all these pregnancies in the blogsphere, and my sister who is now pregnant. Funny about her, I was just thinking about how she wanted another child and that it is probably time now, when she came (a few days after) to announce her pregnancy. And then the other day at the swimming pool. There is a box right outside where people put books they no longer want for anyone to take. I always peek inside when I'm there. So the other day there was this fertility book! Now if that is not a sign, I don't know what a sign is, lol.

• I love how we have more and more mummy-daughter moments. An example of such a moment is this newish ritual we have when going to sleep. Sometime ago, when going to sleep I asked aloud "what did we do today" and started mentioning all that we did. I didn't mean it to turn into something we do every night, but apparently she loved it. And so I go over what we did (while she is nursing, yes, still), asking her in the end if I missed anything. 

• I used to just say plain "I love you". But then I read about saying it in special ways (I actually don't remember their examples, maybe things like - I love you to the moon and back [which btw I know it is considered a wonderful children's book but I am not too fond of. Why does the parent have to always be better than the child?! oh oops, that's not the book's name.. I was talking about the book - Guess How Much I Love You]. And (back to special ways to say I love you..) it didn't take long for me to come with my way. I tell her - I love you inside my heart and outside. And then we joke around about different body parts - I love you inside my eye lashes and outside, and so on.

• I will probably post later about my next school year. Plenty to write about, not in the mood to go into it all, just will say it will not be easy. Also in the academic sense, but also with Butterfly [I need to find someone to help out with Butterfly. There is actually this amazing woman from my homeschooling group who has agreed to help me. There still is a problem of transporting B to and from this woman. I will be learning a full day and can't and won't ask her to be with my daughter (for free!) for so many hours. And as I am studying two long days, I also still looking for help on the other day]

• Three is difficult!!! 

• She is beginning to socialize, though sometimes I feel she is so far and not making any progress, and WHY won't she just play with the other kids? I am talking about the homeschooling kids she knows.

• Maybe because I myself am a social jerk (see one of the top bullets..). This homeschooling group is really a lovely group where everyone cares about everyone's kids. This wonderful woman who will help with B [if I manage to arrange transport] will also be taking her to the homeschooling meeting that occurs on that day. And I am so much at ease knowing that while this woman will be the one in charge of my daughter, there will be other mums looking after her too. And still I don't really socialize. And it is not them as they are really great people, it is me with my not having social skills.

• Okay I am getting really tired and the post is getting awfully long (and I've obviously forgotten something major I wanted to update about and will jump later in bed saying oops, why did I forget to mention.... So that will be all for now.

• oh, mummy proud moment. My daughter is very much behind on almost everything whether it is academic (and it is me, not her. for example numbers, she can't count to ten [she used to count skipping only 4, but it is so long since I've heard anything as near], but then I never ever ask her to, and never tell her to repeat after me, because that's my educational philosophy*) or socially (see above, below and sideways), but while her cousin who is a bit older that her and knows numbers and letters and probably how to write her name and much more and who is comparing, not I! does not know, my daughter knows left and right (mostly).

• I was also happy to realize how she understands abstract concepts such as to think. Maybe this is something most kids at the age of three understand, I have no idea, but it still amazes me! 

• * that reminds me of the three books I've just ordered: 1. Todd Parr's Family Book (probably about time!); 2. Paddington Bear [was debating between that and Winnie the Pooh. As much as I like Winnie the Pooh, it is way too commercialized, so Paddy won!), in an attempt to see if I can start chapter books with her (see above, I very much doubt it!); 3. A homeschooling book for me (John Holt). I am excited :-)

• okay last one - Todd Parr's fault! I am trying to write B her own story of how she came to be. I mean I wrote something but it got thrown away and haven't done much about it since. I would love to present her an actual book [I did make a personal brushing teeth book with pages I laminated and made holes for a shoelace to tie it together, but now I want a real book!].

• Good Night!

SMC Book for free

Hi all.
Sorry I'm not so much reading right now. I am still actually moving my blogs over. Thanks Shannon for the tip about Feedly, that is the reader I am trying out (there was another one which I cannot remember what it was, so well...). Unfortunately your message came after I have deleted all my blogs from google reader (because it was easier to track as I was moving them to my favourites, and because I was not going to have my list of blogs out there [or not out there] where I could not reach them!)
I do hope to get used to Feedly and to get back to reading regularly!


I am blogging here now to tell you of an offer I heard which might interest you - a local SMC who wrote a book about SMC for her child collaborated with another SMC who wrote another story for her child. There are 4 books - from writer A and from writer B;  a girl's version and boy's version. The books are in English.
From Friday 11:00 local time (that would be 18:00 in New York and 21:00 in Los Angeles, if I am not mistaken) until Sunday night (time not mentioned)  you will be able to download one of these 4 books from Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Family-Two-Childrens-collection-ebook/dp/B00DNHQUZG/ref=pd_sim_sbs_kstore_2
Please just note that the price tag appears as 0.00$

I can't recommend or dis-recommend any of the books as I don't know much about the content, but I think it is always good to at least have a peep at another SMC book.

Google Reader

Damn they are closing down today and I do not have (yet?) an alternative. I really liked reading blogs through that reader.
In the meantime, not knowing what to do, but knowing I must have a list of my blogs somewhere, I transferred them all to my favourites list. A process that took sometime, and unfortunately in the process I think I have lost some blogs :-(. MN - that would be your blog, I have Skating on the Edge, but not the other one, so please can you send me? [if you don't want it to appear then to my e-mail: greentamshaATyahooDOTcoDOTuk ]. I hope I haven't lost any more blogs.
Currently I am in the process of moving them to my blog, but I don't like that as a solution, so I still have to find something. It only gives the last post and sometimes I am behind on my reading and want to catch up reading more than just the last post. Another problem is with blogs that go private - I can't and shouldn't put such blogs on my reader, but how do I keep updated?

my bad mummy moment - circumstances not so much important, mainly she was tired and I was trying to get her to go to sleep, and now she wanted to eat. Anyway I got very cross (I was actually already hot from something that had nothing to do with daughter) and opened and closed cupboards with a bang. To which my little sweet daughter came up to me for a hug. URG. Yes, we had a long and tight hug, but this is not how I want it to be.
Lately, it's been difficult. Two was wonderful, absolutely great! Yes, there was the week in which she woke up at 4 am and screamed [thank you sister for reminding me....] and the odd tantrum, but mostly it has been a time of growing, of becoming a child, of developing language skills and very basic social ones, of becoming more able to do things whether to jump from a high point without hands or doing a somersault or cutting with scissors [=her hair! did I tell you about how she cut off a big chunk of her hair? lol]. But three? [yes, bad mummy moment number two. My daughter had a birthday and I didn't blog about it :-( I do hope to do something to celebrate her birthday, but really I hadn't had the time (plus didn't yet have a party)]. Okay three is bad. She is crying (that is, real cry, not her pretend playing she is her baby cousin and therefore crying, because babies cry, which can go on for quite some time, I just learned to tune off..) a lot, wining and just plain being difficult. And I am very much back to shouting at her.
So I want to start this not shouting challenge for a year again, this time maybe documenting the process on a blog, I think I'd rather do so on a new blog, not sure if private or what. Though it will have to wait as I am in the - tests/papers to hand in time zone plus a last minute project of moving all the blogs I read to my favourites as google reader will seize to exist at the end of the month and I still don't have an alternative reader :-(.

"Daddy, come swing me"

Is what my daughter called out to me today in the playground. As in she was on the swing and I was across the playground sitting on a bench, in between us some kids and a parent or two... Oh, and while we talk in English and she would generally ask me in English to swing her, this was done in Hebrew!

She was pretend playing to be her cousin E (who only speaks Hebrew, hence why Butterfly spoke to me in Hebrew..) as she has done many times before. She plays a lot at pretending to be either cousin E (an almost 5 yrs girl) or baby A (a 1 yrs boy), while my role is to be that child's mother. Today she was E and I was her father, a first! [though I was once or twice before a dad, but if my memory serves me right, a general dad, not a specific child's dad]

She does know that she does not have a daddy. Many times I don't know if I talk too much about it or too little or if I am doing right by what I do say. But we do talk about it, it is not a taboo [my sister, also an SMC (the baby's mother..) does not talk at all about it. She won't even have songs or stories that have a 'daddy' in them. I think it's important to talk even before they can fully understand and to not treat songs/stories as a big no-no]. So my daughter calling out loud 'daddy' was not trying to challenge me or her or the situation or anything like that. It might be her finding different ways to process not having a daddy and what it means: two kids [a brother and sister, but actually it was mainly the younger brother, a 5 yrs] later laughed, calling out to her - daddy come swing me [to which I would say: 1. it is funny when the child calls for a father and a mother comes! 2. obviously they do not know she doesn't have a dad], she was playing trying to catch the boy [she riding her bike, he running, lol] while calling to him - 'daddy and mummy'. So she was probably processing something :-) [BTW they were smiling/laughing all the time. I too found it funny when she called me daddy...]

P.S

I share my birthday with MN (today!!), which really is great :-) But as of this year, apparently I also share it with my daughter who also wants a birthday, lol! [her birthday is in three weeks time]

Socialization

Now that she is coming to the age when socialization is important (plus the fact that it is summer time and the days are hotter so parents go to the playground after they pick up their kids. This is not new-new, but still..) I try much more getting her to meet kids. Almost everyday we are at a playground, usually around three hours [Tuesday is the only day I do not take her, as it is too hot before the nanny comes (and anyway no children at that hour) and I finish working at a time that is kind of late to go..].

Once a week we go to our homeschooling group. Unfortunately for us, most of the other kids meet more during the week (almost everyday there is some kind of meeting, we can only make it to the Thursday one..), so they are much more familiar with each other, know each other, while Butterfly is a bit of an outsider. It probably didn't help that I felt kind of awkward until not so long ago. Not because they are not nice people (they are!), but I'm so not a social person. Then this new woman joined (a really lovely woman), and "suddenly" I felt more connected. And I feel this also on my daughter. And can I say how delighted I was last week when one of the calls mentioned my daughter by name? I think it means something when a child knows that child's name...

But most days we just go to a local playground and whoever is there is there. I do hope slowly as her socialization skills get better that we get to know more deeply a kid or two so she can have a local friend, but right now I just want her to learn how to be around kids. I see how she doesn't know basic games like hide and seek [she was playing with this girl who was a bit older than her. Let's play hide and seek the older girl says, I'll count. She finishes and Butterfly is out in the open. "Okay you count and I hide". No, that didn't work either, lol] or catch etc. I am not too concerned. Just like I don't push her into learning how to swing as I'm sure she will get it when the time is right for her, I am positive she will catch on to these social game when the time is right :-). But I also see how she is slowly learning. And I think, how lucky am I that I can actually see how my kid is becoming a social being, how she learns the social "rules".

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
On a similar subject - about hitting back. When Butterfly comes to me telling me that someone has done this or that to her, I tell her to tell them to stop, that she doesn't like it, and if that doesn't help to come to me. I do not tell her to hit back because I think it's wrong. I am trying to be a positive non-violent family so would rather not teach my kid to react violently. And may I say that while she is not always the most gentle person, she is by no means violent! Last week I witnessed two cases (one involving my daughter, and one not) where the mothers told their kids to hit back.

The first case, not involving daughter, was at the playground. There was a girl about 2 yrs and a boy I think maybe 1.5 yrs. I don't know if and how much these kids knew each other, but the mother's were together.. Suddenly the older girl gave, more tried to give, the boy a smack on the head. The boy didn't feel it and it certainly didn't bother him, so I really don't understand his mother who tried to make him hit the girl back - she hit you, you have to hit back. I mean one thing if the girl actually hit him and he was crying etc, but she hardly touched him and he really couldn't care less! It was just sad to see this cute gentle kid who one day will sure have a hitting issue..

The other case.. I was and still am errrr about it. I was with Butterfly at a gymbory and there was just one other kid (okay it was morning..), a 2.5 boy. So the mother and I were talking and I wasn't so much paying attention to the kids, when suddenly the boy hits Butterfly on the head. While B came for a kiss in the head (meaning she most certainly felt it!) the other boy complained to his mother that B hit him. So the mother kept saying how it's okay that he hit her because he was just hitting back. He tried again (and again and again....) to hit her, so she kept saying that it's okay to hit back but that he has already done so... Eventually, when he did hit her again, she hit him back. I am not happy but also not sad. It is not how I want her to learn to interact but he really was violent to her.
But wait, I must go back. It really nagged me that my girl hit him (the incident that caused it all). Where did that come from? To be honest while I did see him hit her, I didn't see what preceded it. I was talking to the mother saying how I can't belive my daughter hit him blah blah. She goes on about how it happens, and then she shows me this mark on his wrist.  Quiet a serious mark. Could. not. have. been. my. girl. All she had on her was a dress and knickers, no sandals, no jewelry, no clips for the hair, not even fingernails! And no way could she have left such a mark on his wrist with just her bare hands. And you know, if let's say she did, wouldn't we hear the boy scream!? Because both of us mothers were sitting with the kids playing right by our side. Surly we would have heard something! a scream, a cry, a call to mummy, a call to stop etc.
I was just so annoyed that my daughter was made into a violent person she is not!

"I love you"

This morning, my daughter comes to me and says - I love you, before giving me a hug. I love you :-). She did say that when she first started to talk, but back then it was more of a parrot, not sure how much she really understood what it meant. Since then - nothing! And I tell her all the time how I love her and all, but she just wouldn't say those three words. Oh she is very affectionate and gives hugs and kisses all the time, it's only the words she doesn't say :-). But this morning she did!!

And talking about love, we had a bath together the other day at my mother's. So before the bath, when we were undressed, I looked at us in the mirror. I will just note that I don't have a mirror at my place. No real reason except I never bothered to get a new one once the mirror I had broke, and hey, I'm doing fine without looking at my fat cells! So, the bath.. and looking at us together naked..and looking at her little image and me, all I could see was how much she loves me!


If I am writing, I must write about how lately it seems like she is in this achieving mode. She is suddenly capable and able to do many things, like suddenly she knows how to use scissors (and also cut a bit of her hair off, lol), or climbing like the big kids like to do in the playground (that is, around and above the regular playground equipment..), etc. She just seems in the last week or two to have outstretched herself. She is just over a month shy of her third birthday, but she definitely is a three year old...

play

Now that I'm an adult, I love watching kids play, mainly free play. Because as a child (and even today), I had no idea how to free play. I mean I knew things like board games, and if some kids gathered and wanted to play hide & seek or the likes, then I could do that... But just to run around and have fun? No, that wasn't so much part of my childhood (perhaps because I was not sociable and stayed a lot at home or in the class room during the break by myself). So watching kids run around in the playground, just having fun with no specific purpose, that fascinates me!

And or But I want to be playful with my daughter. So I bought a book - Playful Parenting and..... well at least I bought it! Anyway the other day I decided it was time I started reading the book, and so I have (and to be quite honest, I'm still at the beginning, but I felt I just had to share..)

The author talks about how it is important to play with your child, not just to let them play, but to actually play with them. It fosters closeness, confidence, connection. In addition, he talks about the importance of play for children, as this is how they learn and explore and make sense of their world. Also he mentions how play, even the simple casual play, has layers of meanings to it! Etc, I won't copy here all what I marked lol. He also talked about how adults should get down to the floor when playing with their kids. Sigh of relief. This is one thing I do do! I'm not good at playing blah blah I I really am terrible at this playing thing), but yes, I have no problem sitting on the floor, on the carpet, on the earth etc and playing with her!

He then went on to a point where I have just read the bullets before he elaborates on them, because it got me thinking.. Well one specific bullet. The usual scene when I go with my daughter to the play ground is - first I have to swing her for a very long time on the swings! [unschooling as I am, I will not teach her to swing alone until she is ready for it. And I do not push once or twice and leave her like I see some mums do. No, when I swing her I swing her]. Then I go to the bench for a few minutes, hoping to get some rest.. until she calls me to play with her. [writing this, I think it is a bit better at the homeschooling group where we also eat and also she does know a bit of the kids, not so much when we go in the afternoons to the local playgrounds]. And I want to sit and rest, I want to watch children, and mainly my daughter, playing, but mainly I fear that if I play with her, then she won't be playing or even socializing with other kids.
Well the bullet that got me, about a child's need for playing with the adult they are closest to, was the one mentioned how children need more play time with the grown ups "when they are having a difficult time connecting with peers or adults". As I said, I haven't yet read his elaboration, but yes I can see it now.. she was needing me while I was pushing her away.. Anyway I am learning and hopefully one day not too long, I will be a better playing parent!

learning to read

I still really don't know what approach I want to take as for Butterfly and learning how to read. On one hand I do love the idea of letting her teach herself at her own pace, when and how it fits her. On the other hand, all those posts I read (mainly for the art stuff for kids they have) where they show these wonderful things they do with young toddlers to teach them letters! (plus I do fear, people [especially my mother] will see that Butterfly is 'not advancing in her reading' and will push teaching on to her [they already think that homeschooling is wrong..).

Anyway, while I continue to ponder on the issue, I would like to tell you about our little advancements in the literacy world. It started some time ago (maybe a month or two ago? don't really remember..) when I opened a book to read to Butterfly and, as this was a book that I bought her, plus pages from paper and not board or plastic, I had [once, many moons ago] written her name on the inner side of the binding. So I open the book, see her name written, and mention to her that this is your name. I had no intentions in doing so, but ever since she's been asking me many times to write down her name (in fact, every time she sees me with a pen in my hand..), sometimes pointing at letters and either telling me or asking me if it's her name written there. And no, mostly it is not her name that is written, but I am very happy for her recognition of these being letters [just reminding you that she doesn't even know the ABC song, let alone letters etc] that are read into something.

In the last couple of days she started asking me once or twice - what is written here? Noticing letters all around her and wanting to know, to learn. It does make me happy to know that even if I'm not too sure what is our path as regard reading, that nevertheless, we are on the right one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now to a little rant in the same subject of learning to read. As I've mentioned, one of my fears is my mother. My mother is very old class - she is the teacher, so she is the one with the knowledge  and her job is to pour that knowledge onto her pupils. She teaches my almost 6 year old niece to read and write in English [The girl is in last year of kindergarten and will start school (1st grade) next year*]. My mother has a few workbooks that she uses in the lesson, jumping from one to another. The girl on the other hand, you can feel that she is not too enthusiastic about it, she wants and she doesn't want (more doesn't). And I can see from the side how it's a lot of "school work" and not really anything else. A kid that age needs much more, because learning from books can get really boring. So I quickly googled up and found some sites with ideas for her, like preparing very big outlined words, and the girl has to glue  sweets or cheerios etc on them - fun, tactile, yummy; or another idea I really liked was preparing cloth pegs each with a letter  on it, as well as word cards, and the girl has to go through the pile of pegs searching for the right letters for her word - again fun, tactile, active. So I send my mother the list, trying to gently tell her the girl needs a bit more in the lesson. My mother's response? "some of the sites require paying, others aren't suitable" and she went on to print a bingo game which is the nearest thing that was to what she was doing so far (child reading from a worksheet, so called a game). Errrrrr!

[as for her claim - a big err as she completely didn't get my message! I was just sending her ideas she might want to try, not what she should teach or sites to print from]

* In school of course she will be learning to read and write in Hebrew, my mother is just giving her an enrichment..

P.S
That Bingo game - had my mother just printed the paper and the rest (gluing onto construction paper and then cutting out the grid itself and the words to be put on the grid) left for the lesson - that would have been something else!!

picture

As you can see very clearly, the drawing above is my soon to be new tablet!*&**
But more than being a picture of my (or her) tablet, this is the first! (well technically the third as she drew more of these in the last two days) picture she has drawn FOR ME! "here mummy, this is your tablet" she told me. That makes me so excited. I mean I've been around other kids drawing for their mothers, never really doing a picture for me unless told/asked to, because as much as I might be close (and even if the kid did often refer to me as "mother"), I am not his mother! And this is my daughter and she drew a picture FOR ME! (a dream come true:-) )



* I'm planning on getting one for my birthday, instead of the one she dropped.. (and more than once). I think it's a great tool for such young hands plus I would have fun with it too..
** and please don't be like my mother who couldn't see a tablet. it's the thought that counts! (Butterfly came up with saying it's a tablet all on her own)

The Challenge

I hate it when I shout at her, I really do, but then I loose my temper and shout at her again. Okay, not that often, but still - a shout is a shout. I do notice that mostly when I loose it, it's about me, about my fears or phobias. For example, when we come back from our homeschool meetings we need to cross a bridge. I'm afraid of heights, and this bridge really scares me. It doesn't (and shouldn't!) scare her. So she walks slowly, goes to one side or another (logically I no that's safe, it's not like she can lean over or something..) and my inner self who is scared shouts or talks nasty to her to just quickly walk it [specifically in this example I am now better, tell her before we cross that I am scared, just like she gets scared from loud noises...].

I want to do better! (don't we all :-)). I have learnt about the Orange Rhino's challenge - not to shout at her kids for one whole year (she actually is already 422 days without shouting!) and am taking the challenge. The Orange Rhino has a yelling meter of 7 scales (7 being screaming mad at your child, I don't think I do that.). I don't think I will adopt that. Also I would like to add talking not nicely.

I did try to start a few days ago, but just a little raise of my voice and.. Oh, shouting brings me back to day 0! I am now on day 2 :-). [for the record - 6.4.13 is my first day..]


Other news. No, I am not pregnant, even though I had a good number of eggs harvest (and I had the retrieval with no anesthetics - I really hate that part of the procedure [that is, the anesthesia] . The procedure itself was okay, but afterwards... I don't know if because I "was awake" immediately afterwards [usually my body would be slowly recovering] or because I had a good number of eggs, but I was in real pain..).
I also had to give a small talk in class on any subject - I chose fertility treatments. And then this cycle and I should have gotten my period right at the time of my lecture, which would totally suck. Well even though I had nice embryos, I knew it was no good as I didn't feel any symptom and mourned before the 2 week was over. Even so I was lucky that I got my period a bit early, and so I was after it all (even my period) when it was time for me to lecture. Don't know when I'll cycle again (money.... ) but I am not ready to give up the dream of more than one child (I know it sounds selfish when others don't even have that one child).

pictures

Modeling plaits/braids :-)

me, at 2.5 - no resemblance :-)

Purim - my Shapes girl. I was sick so costume not all that good.. [circle in the front, in the back - square. hat was supposed to be a triangle, and she has shapes dangling from her waist (made it too long...) Somehow I wanted to do stars in her shoes, but didn't get around to that]

Holding a worm (for the first time..)
I LOVE her expression!

We were at the playground, when I saw Butterfly needed to pee. Rewinding to just before we left when she asked me to go to the playground and I really didn't feel like carrying the potty so I asked her if it will be okay if we don't take the potty and she said yes. Ha. So I see she needs to go, but nonetheless she refuses to go on the grass etc only to pee in her trousers. This phase is so so so frustrating! and annoying. So we headed home, me now carrying her bike (because she can't ride with her wet clothes [going to the playground was spontaneous so we didn't take spare clothes]).

Anyway that's just as a background.. So we are nearing home. She is happily climbing the wall she always likes to climb, we might have cut the playground short (but it was really getting dark, so anyway we would have been heading home shortly after) but we were fine. So we were nearing home when she spots some puddles and... goes running straight in. Yes she loves splashing in puddles (who wouldn't!), but... please not with those shoes! Our kind of last pair for now as the other pairs of shoes have also seen their share of mud. Errr... I also have the knowledge of us needing shoes for tomorrow* morning. So I flipped. I really did. I run up to her and violently pulled her out of the puddle. Yes, I was embarrassingly too violent. She was crying. Damn. I don't want to be that kind of parent.

* tomorrow morning. sigh. wake up early, go and have an u/s and a blood test to see that I haven't yet ovulated. It's will be cd23 and while writing these lines I do know I haven't ovulated. This is so! not typical of me, because I usually ovulate very much on time. But then being sick this week (I've been going to sleep while breastfeeding B to sleep, only to wake up next morning - that is so not me) was not typical, and maybe the egg feels that something is not right and so won't let go. [oh, feeling now much better!]

Lately I am just feeling that I'm too cross at her. Yes, she is at that age (amazing but at 2.5 something does switch and they do become so much more difficult). She's defiant, wants to do things her way, by herself. She is strong and very much has a will of her own. Yesterday not wanting to give me a hand to cross the road because she wants to do it herself, folding her arms**. She's becoming really not easy. Or maybe it's me with the pressure of those papers I need to hand in, and then not being myself this week. Anyway I am really not pleased with my parenting lately. I need to find other ways to cope.


** she started folding her arms when going on the bus, so I don't hold her, because she wants by herself! Too cute. But one thing is a bus (worse  case, I guard her with my body), the road is something else, and no you can not cross the road by yourself.

P.S
On a positive note - she loves counting and many times I would hear her "counting" this or that. counting correctly from 1-10 only skipping the four [doesn't every child have a "favourite" number they skip? lol].
She is also so much more talking. And singing! She sings almost non stop :-).

I want to ride my bicycle..

Had the joy today of transferring the sperm from the bank to the clinic. "Joy" as it involved waking up very early in the morning (took a sleeping girl out of bed. one of the things I love about her that she wakes up easily and happily and is alert from the minutes her eyes open), taking 2 buses to the clinic to take the tank. Only when we got there I remembered I should have phoned to order a tank! Luckily it was okay, phew. From there I was on a race against time, as I had less than 4 hours to be back and needed to take 2 buses to the bank and 2 buses back and bus time and waiting for the bus etc. And oh, did I not mention my daughter being with me... My poor girl, I was shouting at her quiet a lot to go quicker [funny how when we were done and had plenty of time she was running and skipping, but when I was under pressure of time she was soooo slow. lol]. The way home was three buses as I treated her for a pizza, but boy, couldn't these places have a direct bus route??

Let me now go back a little to yesterday. Yesterday, as my only pupil I have (a weak day..) canceled, I took Butterfly to a fun day at the park (again a bus ride [or two, but the second is just for one stop..] away). Although I did plan on going more often to this park, we don't go to often and not in a long time, so it was fun! but the point is the amount of wet trousers we had! And my girl is weaned!! Okay, the first wet pair is understandable as it was a peeing out fear (there was a tractor working not far away. quiet new, but she is very scared of loud noises), but did it have to be while she was sitting on my laps as I was trying to comfort her?? lol. But then was it 3 or 4 more pees because she she refused to go not in the toilet? Urg. 

Today? Today I listened to an advice I got and took a potty with us. What a difference! We went and came back with the same pair of trousers as we left! It was a bit funny having your girl sit on the potty in the middle of the street, but hey, if it works.... So now I want to look for a small potty that will be easy to take.

And then we had the talk. I have been telling her so far that she doesn't have a daddy (though she does have a mother, grandmother, blah blah), but not about how she came to be, sperm donation, etc. So I explained to her something about taking the tank because I want to have a baby in my tummy ("I also want a baby inside my tummy"....). At some point she asked me what was in the tank. What do I say? Saying something about a possible baby that will be put into me felt wrong. Wrong mainly be cause, well, what about my eggs? While she is still too young, I still want her to know that genetically both parents have an equal role in creating a new child, it is not only the father and his sperm. Avoiding or lying are completely out for me. So I gave her her first explanation about how in order to have a baby you need an egg from a mummy and a sperm from a daddy, and since in our family we don't have a daddy (and she confirmed that no daddy :-)) I got sperm form (at first I said a nice man, but then remembered Shannon's advice.. have to work on what exactly I say!) someone and now we are taking it to this place to keep for  us.

At night time, btw, out of the blue and with no connection, she was talking to herself saying something about no daddy, I think the first time I heard such talk!

I will end with this video clip of her riding her bicycle. I bought it for her second birthday, but only now she is tall enough to actually ride! She is still very much at the beginning, so still very wobbly, but she is riding :-).
p.s - my sister and I.. we talk in Hebrew.. sorry about that, lol. [I am just talking about her wobbliness, if you must!]

bullets

• I closed the door on Butterfly's hand. Ouch! I was closing the door, thinking how I don't want the cats to come in, all the while she is quiet. As the door didn't completely closed (you know, it wouldn't if there are fingers there..) I tried harder. Only then did my poor daughter cry out that her hand is there.. It doesn't look too bad (obviously put ice), hope by tomorrow it will be all okay (she's sleeping now). 
• 
  
• My girl has been toilet trained for quiet some time, no problems, no misses. Until . Well about two weeks ago when she was doing wee-wee under a bush in the street and I thought she might also have a number two, and since I am never equipped for a number two in the street (and she really doesn't need/do #2 when we're out), I said to her not to do a poo in the street, only in the toilet. So now she won't go in the street. Also not for peeing. "Only in the toilet". Except, she is 2.7, and as much as she tries (and boy, does she try!), she can't hold herself long enough until we find a toilet. So she wets her trousers! And I try persuading her that it is okay to do a wee wee in the street, but she will not!
  When I told my sister about this, she told me to make her go before we leave. Well, besides it happening mostly when we are on our way home (from the bus stop to our house, a 10-15 minute walk with her, a residential area with only houses), this is absolutely not how I do it. I never ask her before we go if she needs. I don't want to teach her to pee on command, but to learn to know when she needs. And if she needs, which often happens and which until two weeks ago was no problem, she goes in the side of the road (on a grass patch, etc). We even once had to get of a bus and then catch the next one because she had to go. It is also about trust. I want to trust her and her to know that I trust her. I am not in charge of her body, she is. I just hope this phase works out soon..
• 
  
• Studying.. I finished first round of papers and should start working on the next lot.. One of the papers I handed in, was a text I translated from Hebrew to English. Much harder for me (and most of us..) as it is always easier to translate into your stronger language but we learn both ways. The teacher of this course, B, well we don't feel we've learned much from her, only to think how to please her. In class there would be these times when you read what you wrote for homework and she while you are reading she would say - Did you just say £$%%^?  And you would feel that, oops, £$%%^ was a very bad choice, but what can you do? And it is in front of the whole class.. Well I worked hard on her end of semester paper and felt I did quiet good (the above translation I mentioned. Oh, and let me say that she gave this same text to us, first year, and to second year students. Doesn't sound fair to me). Well bad enough the grade was very low, not at all what I thought I deserved, she also left me a nasty comment - "Your English writing leaves something to be desired. You might consider taking an extra English course next semester". My English leaves something to be desired??? I know my English is far from that of a real native English speaker (and I understand so much better than I can express) and I do not have desire to translate from Hebrew into English (mainly as most work here would be from En to He), but I know I am not that bad...
• 
  
• okay, this is getting into quiet a long bulleted post. Will mention here that I finally got the book I won in a giveaway! Yay!!
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• I am going very slow with Butterfly on letters/reading etc. In fact I do not do any teaching of letters etc with her, not even the ABC song. Well the other day I opened a book of hers I was about to read, and seeing how I wrote her name on the front cover, I mentioned to her that that is your name written her. Well the next day, she saw some writing on a high chair (the brand name..) and told me that it is her name that is written there. That made me really excited! It was maybe brought on by a prompt from me, but this is the first time she has shown interest in what it says (that is, not just me reading to her). I am still not 100% sure how and what I'll do, but I am thinking to start playing with letters etc once she is three.
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• (Before the hand in door incident) We were at my father's after a long day. We were both tired, but had to wait for my mum. Butterfly was trying to give me this rubber band she found, and I didn't want and she was trying to force me to take it. And I, sitting at the table with my head in my hands, kind of snapped at her, saying that I do not want it, blah blah. To which she replied - "I am also tired". How sweet was that! (I didn't say mention being tired..) 

Semester Break

well that's a joke, at least here - an Australian fellow student told me how at home they have a date until when all test and papers are due, and then after that they have two weeks of nothing - a real break! Well here they scatter the papers and the tests all over the so called break. I have two big papers to hand in in the next few days (which is obviously why I am writing this post! procastonator!) plus some small ones. This would be about the middle of the break. Then I have two more big papers (and another small, don't think should be any problem one) to be handed in at the end of the break. And then there's the homework. Don't I just love it how they say that since you are on break and have nothing to do we'll give you homework...
The funny thing - here it is called - semester's vacation! yes, right!! (btw likewise maternity leave is called in Hebrew a birth vacation. somebody wasn't looking up the right word in the dictionary when they were deciding on the names!)
Plus a friend offered me a job translating. I do need the money plus it should be good experience  so of course I happily said yes. But it won't be easy..
And I've seen the doctor today and am about to start cycling :-) [I am on CD4, I start on CD21] - nothing more to boost moral than to start a new cycle. Oh, and how do you know this is not your first or even second time? When (after seeing the doctor) the nurse is looking for a room in which she can sit with you (her room was occupied), and when you go into the vacant room you realize that she won't be able to give you the packet of syringes.....
I wanted to do a natural cycle as I don't produce a lot of eggs, so better just go natural. He said my response is not bad at all, so he recommended a medicated one. Don't know how or what I'll do if this cycle doesn't work, but for now I'm trying his new protocol.

p.s

Little One - I'm so sorry I don't have time right now to read blogs, but scanning through my reader I saw you had a birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

daddy

My father the other day with my daughter. You know how one asks a child if this is for x? no. for y? no. is it for child? yes! Well he was asking her about the swing and started with daddy. He immediately said oops, we mustn't say that word. Why??? Is she supposed to grow with the secret of not knowing there is such a thing as a father, in fact that most people have one? She also doesn't have a sister. I doubt if he considers the word "sister" a taboo regarding my daughter. There is no shame in how my daughter came to be, and there is no shame in her not having a father, a daddy.

Then last night [very weird as I was having two parallel conversations on FB] this guy I knew from about 20 years ago wanted to tell me he's getting divorced and on the way asked if my daughter has contact with her father, if he sees her. He didn't know otherwise because beyond a short hello and I have a daughter when we became friends, nothing much was said, and I don't post about my SMC status on my wall (not because I'm hiding it but because it has no interest*). So anyway he asks and I say that she does not have a father and that she is from a sperm donation. To which he replied that that's sad, and that a child should have a father figure. Why is it sad? She would not have been living if I had not conceived her the way I did (any other way or time then it would have been another child, another soul..). There is a void but it is completely mine! I'm the one who knows what a father is so can feel sad (or whatever) about not having one. My daughter? She doesn't know anything else!
[I will mention it was especially annoying because between the lines of his tale I could understand he cheated on his wife. So who are you to critique others?]

Moving on to my daughter herself. Two songs she very much likes. One she doesn't specifically ask for, but if she sees the image for it on youtube, she will ask for it. It is of fingers in the hand, each being a family member (don't know the name if the song, but is goes - daddy finger, daddy finger where are you.  here I am, here I am how do you do. etc with other family members). The other one - a lullaby about how a father went to work and will come back when the moon rises and will bring the child a present - she loves it and asks for it a lot. And I can't help but wonder if this is her way of dealing with the daddy issue? [I do talk to her and she does know she doesn't have a daddy]. Or maybe no meaning, she just happens to like those songs?


* same as I'm not talking about the elections we just had. No interest to my blog. That does not mean I didn't vote (I did!) or that I don't have political views..

Homeschooling. That is how I want to bring up my daughter. I read and learnt a lot about the subject and I am still very much trying to figure out my way in the big umbrella called "homeschooling" (and yes, dear spell check, there is such a thing!), because there are many different approaches (I do lean towards unschooling but I don't think I'm quite an unschooler). How will the learning to read and write go? Do I teach her letters? Do I let her discover all by herself? etc. things that I am constantly thinking about.

And then, the fact that this is how I want to bring up my daughter, does not mean that I have to justify it to anyone or to explain my reasons. That does not mean I don't have my reasons, more probably in the zone of I am not good at orally and under pressure saying why and/or why it is good for my daughter.
So my mother a week or two ago said something about feeling sorry for my daughter because I do not allow to teach her. And today my brother in law. He started with the issue EVERYONE brings up when talking about homeschooling - the child's social life. So I should send my child to school, against all my beliefs etc, for the only reason of having a social life?! Because only a school can offer a child a social life?! Yes, take 40 (or 30 or whatever the number is today) kids and shove them into a classroom and they will all have a happy social life! (please ignore all those stories about kids being bullied in schools). I myself was 12 years in the school system (not counting kindergarten..) and I had a rotten social life. So no, social life is not a (good enough) reason [in my eyes, of course] to send a child to school, and school is not a guarantee for having a social life! And yes, there are other ways to be social (like homeschooling groups).
Then he went on to the fact that I should explore my other options. Two problems with that: a. I do know quite a lot about my other options and what kind of school I would have liked my daughter to go to if I had sent her  (and if I had money, it is so expensive!). I might have not weighed them enough or given them that extra thought, but that's because - b. I WANT TO HOMESCHOOL MY CHILD.
And all along this conversation, I am telling him that I do not want to defend myself and what I intend for my child's education, and he goes on and on, saying something about not being able to explain to me ...... Excuse me! You can't explain it to me?? Like you have all the answers and you know the only way it should be done?! Because let me tell you, even in the school system there are many approaches, many different ways.Take for example parents who teach their kids to read from as early as possible, a two year old who can recognize a few words, versus the Waldorf approach who don't allow to teach any letters to kids, let alone reading, till when they are 7 yrs old.
And that brings us vaguely to benchmarks and testing. He wanted to know how do I know that she will be doing what she is supposed to do, schoolwise, in her age. But I don't want to copy school at home! (btw, there are homeschoolers who do, but not me). I don't want to test her or to be worried she should do X at a certain age [I am all against testing which I believe is much more for the teacher's sake than for the pupil, but I didn't want to get into that with him - that's why I said at the top: vaguely.. because I don't believe there is an age where you should do this or that [I don't want to get into unschooling too much here as this is not the purpose of this post. I do hope one day to have tabs, one of which will be for homeschooling etc.].
He had a hard time with that. And the the idea that I think I can teach my own child.... I have enough knowledge and intelligence and resources (the internet! what a great age we live in!) to "teach" her* throughout elementary (which here is until, including, 6th grade) and probably most of junior high (grades 7,8,9). But then I put the word teach in quote marks as I more vision us learning together (at least in the more advanced years).
What more did we have? Oh, that if 90% of the people send their kids to school then they must all be right. Oh my, I am the last person to do things because everyone does!!!
[on a side note I will add that I am tired of fighting, so if do get lucky and have another child, and if that child will be a boy, I will cir.cum.cise him. Not because I think he should be or that it's good for him etc. but because I can't be fighting my kids all my life. and by the way, knowing that (and a girl's name in case I have a second daughter. I now have names for a boy, a girl and a third name that can be either in case I have twins of the same sex, lol) was what let me start ttc again.]
But back to the 90% I am very unconventional. Not to mention the fact that most people send their kids to school out of convenience, because that is how it is done, and not because they gave it any special thought
So yes, I do want to homeschool my child. No, I don't have to explain to you, that does not mean I haven't  thought about it or that my child will suffer. Yes, there are pluses and minuses as there are in any other decision. And no, I am not selfish, thinking on;y about myself, ignoring my child's needs just because I intend to do it differently from you.
Rant ended.



* on a parenting forum when a question of homeschooling was brought up once, someone was quite insulted that homeschoolers think they know enough to teach the kids when teachers go and learn such and such years to become teachers. But the thing is, being a teacher in a classroom is much more than just teaching children! And I don't think homeschoolers think any bad of teachers, more of the school system. I am writing this side note because a. there are (some?) teachers who read this blog. And I want you to know that just because this is what I want to do, doesn't mean I think any less of you! (on the contrary  being a teacher in the class room is very hard work!!) and b. That discussion was some time ago but I remember being completely shocked at that remark, at that thought, I thought I might need to say something here...
P.S I did go to teacher's college...

I know this post is long already but can I talk a little about Butterfly? She is now so cuddly and gives kisses (she never really was the type). I just love it! [though she does a really rough Eskimo kiss, I have to take of my glasses, lol]. And then on the last few Mondays, what a warm reception I got from her!! [will add that on those Mondays my mum helped out so I came home to a girl who was waiting for me (usually the nanny brings her back when I come home or I pick her up at the nanny's) which probably was what made the difference, but still, it was nice!]
And speaking - while she is still probably very much behind on her speech, she is so much speaking and advancing! Not sure if I mentioned here but we have prepositions! (I was so waiting for them!!).
And sometimes we have funny things. like "I want" which would mean she wants something, and "I want" which would mean she DOES NOT want something (didn't you hear the little whine in the second one?? and yes, I am not always sure of it myself..). 
Though I will add that apparently she is not so much clear to other people as they seem to not understand her so much (what, you didn't understand that??). But then she is only starting to open up and talk to others.
And she amazes me with things she seems to know, like today she said that bees make honey. I really do not remember talking to her about that, nor does my mother (and as it was in English it must have been one of us), so from where does she know that?? She really is a great kid and I am so happy and so grateful to be her mother. 
And have to add from this morning (wrote last night but didn't get around to publishing..). The other day I bought some tehina cookies. My mother mentioned she'd like one so we gave her. This morning, early [my mother is NOT an early bird.. oh, and we live in a living unit in her house so we see her daily] my girl takes a cookie saying that Savta (grandmother) wants. When I tried explaining that it was too early, she was in tears! "But savta wants!". It was so hard not to laugh.



Writing this, my heart is out there for MN who had another miscarriage. That is just so unfair of the universe. So unfair.